Ask Dr. Rosie
April 17th, 2012
Dilemmas of Being in Business #5: Ignoring What We Know to be True
I deny aspects of me that I know to be true – those dark shadowy aspects that if people were to find out about – well, it could mean rejection, humiliation and annihilation. It’s best that I pretend they don’t exist.
On the other hand I have a knowing of certain things to be true, yet I deny myself these knowings too. I live in doubt and uncertainty as strategies that diminish my potential power in the world, diminish my light and visibility. In past lives, I’ve probably been murdered or tortured for standing out beyond the norm. “Won’t do that again,” we say; yet living within the protective cocoon of our disguise and pretending is also torturous.
Many of my executive clients over the years have gone through a 360 degree evaluation process, whereby they ask for feedback from lots of people they work with and live with. An enormous about of information is generated, assessed and then returned to my clients so they can see how they show up, what they bring and what they perhaps want to consider bringing to the party.
These 360 processes are really valuable, and yet, my clients share that most of what is said isn’t new to them; they are already aware of what they do well and what they need to enhance, grow and develop.
I always find this fascinating that we know what we know, yet live and work as if it weren’t so. We wait to have our internal wisdom, knowledge and experience validated by the external world. WHY?
When people are doing bad things and are caught and brought to justice, they say “I knew it was wrong and is punishable, but spare me, please.”
This is crazy making; that we have the wisdom to know right from wrong. We have a knowing beyond what makes sense in the reality of the cause and effect world; we know this and yet we choose to deny our culpability and our God-given powers to be the fullest expression of the gifts of our being.
I finished a novel last week by Michael Sky, called Jubilee Day – A Novel. It is about our current circumstances regarding those who hold the power in the United States, how they use that power and the opportunity to choose differently. It’s a brilliant book!
Most of us use our power for egoic gains. We don’t stop ourselves. We also use our power to distract ourselves from the internal knowing that, if nothing else we are violating our own integrity and the dignity of our soul. We know and we pretend we don’t know.
The Dilemma
For those of us who attend church every Saturday and Sunday, hearing over and over the importance of using our power in support of all people, not just our little ego self, too often we ignore opportunities to practice what we preach when we enter our Monday through Friday Church of the Almighty Dollar.
We are faced with a dilemma.
Do I do what I know to be in the highest good of all – my company, employees, my own soul, or do I act in alignment with my personal desire for safety, security and control.
There is so much at stake!
Each individual is teetering on the brink of personal devastation. It is only a reflection of the devastation that we witness in all aspects of our Global system. Where current and flow of the Universal and natural unfoldment is ignored, diverted or stopped, in service to our insatiable hunger to be powerful and invulnerable in every way imaginable, we will come face to face with the consequences of our choice-making. Funny how it works that way!
If you’ve ever been around adolescents, you’ve noticed that they have that attitude of invulnerability, impenetrable to attack – They have become a super power unto themselves. As parents of adolescents, hopefully we remember our own teenage years when we knew that we knew everything, and no one could tell us any different. As adults we know it’s a stage in the learning process and that someday there will be a day of reckoning when these teenagers will fall off their pedestal and realize they are just human, just like the rest of us.
I think about the European Countries who have been around far longer than the US. In their youth they built their empires and have been super powers; and all have been demolished, have fallen into ruin, only to be rebuilt from a more mature perspective. I see the more dignified and wise ones smiling at the US, knowing of our youthful attitude of “no-one will take us down.” It is part of the process of maturing that we lose what we’ve not rightfully gained, in order to cultivate right-relationship with our currency of resources – the earth, our people, all of it.
The dilemma we face as individuals is that we are committed to holding onto our super power ideation, yet, at the same time being conscious of the cost of ignoring that fact that we can no longer build skyscrapers in the air. We hope we’ll get away with it, but …
Pretending that choosing to choose not to choose will keep us invulnerable to our human frailties is adolescent thinking at best. Inevitably, our commitment to avoiding mature and wise choice-making will lead us to a phenomenal human experience called despair. Despair is when we realize that the reality of our own creation – our skyscrapers in the air, are coming down, detonated by our own ignoring – not ignorance.
All of us face dilemmas that inevitable puts us in the line of fire of our own humanity. It’s your call to make life-choices consciously or unconsciously. From my point of view, it’s far more fun to powerfully engage in life fully awake, conscious and mature – willingly acting from a ground of wisdom and knowing … you already know what I’m talking about. Enjoy the adventure!
Dr. Rosie
January 20th, 2011
Ask Dr. Rosie: Anticipating the Vulnerability of Being Human
As some of you know I’ve just become a grandma as of last week. Not only that, I’ve also taken up winter residency in Niagara Falls, Ontario for the next month, supporting my daughter, her husband and sweet, little, baby Andrew. Though the birth of Andrew was expected and my visit to Niagara Falls planned, the birth took place three weeks earlier, which makes my stay in the Great White North much longer than I intended.
The temperature here has been consistently below freezing and it’s been snowing every day since my arrival. I’ve got my own clean, well-lit basement apartment within which to write, see clients and hang out while the new parents acclimate themselves to their roles as parent, which includes all the challenges of breastfeeding, fatigue and frustration that comes with finding their way.
For these new parents, they’ve anticipated the arrival of this baby and yet they never expected having a baby in the house to be as challenging as it is. Regardless of all the preparation, no one can prepare you for the adventure that lay ahead in the realm of parenting, grand parenting or life itself.
For me, I too anticipated this event and have been looking forward to mothering my daughter through this transition. But, I too was not prepared for how life would be different than anticipated. Having been away from the Niagara Region for over thirty years and an absentee mom for as many years has distanced me from a way of being that includes being available but not over-involved; helpful without enabling and being loving but not maudlin. To step off the plane and immerse myself into someone else’s reality – well, you have to be prepared to be unprepared for anything!
Expectations of what’s to come are based on assumptions, fantasies and interpretations of the context we are about to enter, which also includes our ability to think up worse case scenarios. We are never prepared for the reality of what is. We have to step across the threshold into the unknown and explore the situation with curiosity, fluidity and compassion for self and all those involved. It means transitioning from the known reality – just before I got off the plane in Buffalo to the unknown or the lesser known. It didn’t feel like such a big deal before the doors closed behind me on that airplane but hours later, finding myself in a different time zone, different weather and different social and cultural environment; well it takes a lot to acclimate and reorient myself to my new surroundings.
One client of mine, Shirley is also experiencing a transition process that she never anticipated. Though she chose to take the leap from her corporate, executive, high paying, high status position to what’s next, she wasn’t prepared for the reality that’s emerging in this moment, just beyond what she’d always known, which is: you can never prepare for the vulnerability that comes when you allow the full experience of going for what you want, or in Shirley’s case, creating a trajectory away from what she didn’t want.
The corporate environment Shirley landed herself in two years ago seemed like the perfect next step for her. Her brilliance, wisdom and experience set her up perfectly for the career choice she made. Days into this new position, however, Shirley realized that she’d made a big mistake. The environment and mindset of this particular corporation were not in alignment with her well-being, integrity, accountability and respect for the thousands of employees that worked for this company. Her expectations were dashed. She needed to regroup and choose how to be in her current circumstances without losing herself too much.
Blood pressure medication helped her cope physically with the emotional and psychological stresses that came with being in an environment that was juxtaposed to her well-being. Shirley was willing to endure the adversity of the situation for just so long. It was demoralizing to witness the annihilation of the human spirit of the employees she was there to serve. From her years of experience she knew it’s far too common for corporations to be more invested in their product and the bottom line then in the care and nurturing of their human resource. Take away the dignity of any individual in order to promote human doing and you destroy the essence of the human being, which will annihilate any spark of life force – the seed of creativity, innovation and the very foundation of the individual’s value and worth. In so doing, you devastate your workforce. Shirley no longer wanted to be part of such a process.
Another client of mine, Marjorie is 83 years old. She too is transitioning from a life that has provided her with a great deal of freedom, companionship and well-being to one where she is more isolated, in constant pain and is losing her capacity to make choices on her own. Her health is deteriorating and like Shirley, she is having to make choices that she doesn’t want to make. But, if she doesn’t make these choices in the service to her own well-being her children will step in and make them for her.
The realities that both Shirley and Marjorie are facing are inherent in being human. The choice-making that both of these women face forces them to be fully present to their humanity, to the failings that come along with being human. Facing our human capacities and incapacities includes taking leaps of faith into the unknown. My job as their coach is to empower them to stay mindful of the inevitability of having to make extremely challenging decisions, and to persevere through what feels like too much vulnerability. In the end, though, the dignity of having stayed the course on one’s own path, beyond the known reality, beyond the shadow of their doubts and beyond the limitedness of their thinking, is so worth to journey. Finding the capacity to be vulnerable without being annihilated is a gift we must give ourselves if we are to have the quality of life we say we truly want.
As for me, the willingness to step into the unknown of this world I left behind three decades ago has allowed me to find a deeper, more intimate connection with my daughter and my son; not by pushing or controlling but by allowing an unfolding to occur. This allowing process has also brought about what feels like a completion – a healing of a festering wound between my ex-husband and me. The willingness to be open to the infinite potential of what’s beyond my assumptions and expectations, literally brought me to my knees in gratitude, for my prayers for acceptance, and more importantly, peace, have been answered.
Dr. Rosie
November 22nd, 2010
Ask Dr. Rosie: Leadership and Character Building
There are numerous theories, models and systems, all developed to empower leaders to be more effective, more motivational and inspirational. The question arises – how often do we as leaders actually use these theories, or better yet, take our own advice? How do we hold ourselves accountable as a corporate leader, a religious leader or a leader in a family.
Specific codes, principles and rules are talked about yet are too often overlooked by the very people who speak them or even create them. I find that fascinating. What is it that has us ignore or avoid a way of being that actually incorporates the essential truths we speak?
It takes intention, commitment, vigilance and a degree of adventurer to cultivate awareness into that which drives each of us to act or react the way we do. To the degree to which I am committed to live according to my vision, my values and my truth, is the degree to which I’m willing to practice saying no to that impulse to avoid or distract myself from fulfilling my commitment?
Sometimes, it also takes a hell of a lot of work to live by our word – to say what we mean and mean what we say. It shouldn’t be that hard, should it? What makes it so challenging? Is it that we are just too lazy? Is it that we are unconscious of how our actions are not in alignment with our integrity? Or is it that we don’t get that there are ramifications to being out of integrity with ourselves and with anyone else.
Perhaps there is some part of you that’s afraid that what people will decide about you is actually true; that maybe you are unworthy, unlovable or will never be enough. You could possibly run into your wall of fears of abandonment, betrayal or rejection. Or, you might be flooded with anger at not having things the way you want, but you have them the way you need them to be. It hurts like hell to stay present when you want to run from all of the existential possibility of your humanity. Yet, I believe that’s what we’ve come here to do – especially as leaders.
In this moment I can feel angst and resistance to stay seated in my chair. I want to ignore my own best advice and react to a situation in which I’ve promised myself I’d get this project done today. But I keep getting triggered by a thought that generates an impulse to do something else – anything else! Within that instant just prior to being triggered, that almost imperceptible thought set in motion a flood of emotions and behaviors, which has me bypass my wisdom and knowing and go right to reacting the same old way; finding myself later in the day in the same place I swore I wouldn’t be in again.
Character building usually occurs through loss, and loss generally occurs through change. Change anything by just a smidgeon and you’ll begin to experience uncomfortable feelings and sensations. Exercising the muscles of staying with the discomfort, not allowing distractions to get the better of you increases your capacity to make choices in service to your vision and your purpose. You have to be with willing to be with any and all the feeling and emotions that surface when you hear no, say no, or get a big fat NO from the Universe. By doing so, you gain an incredible amount of inner strength and an inner knowing that you are far more capable than you ever imagined.
It comes down to getting clear with your deepest values and inching your way towards living by them more and more consistently. Walking your talk may be the most exquisite expression of leadership you’ll ever demonstrate to yourself and to others.
So, what builds character? To me, it’s the difference between instant childhood gratification – that part that says “I want it my way and I want it now!” and the ability to see the bigger vision; and for the sake of the bigger vision postpone that instant gain for receiving something much more in alignment with your vision, wisdom and maturity.
Postponement of gratification is one exercise that builds character; deep inquiry into what makes you who you are, is another. Living by your convictions strengthens and empowers you to step into your word, to walk your talk, to say what you mean and mean what you say. When your actions are in alignment with your integrity there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that you are who you say you are.
What’s important enough that you’d be willing to endure such an exercise regime? That question can only be answered by you. Building character will only be done by people who are willing to ground themselves in their deepest commitments and desires, so that when the yelling in their head is so loud they can’t hear anything else, and their body is aching and wanting to avoid the agony of growing pains, they can remember “I’m doing this because . . . .”
What happens for those who stay in the game, even when the game gets tough, is that they meet a core emotion – a feeling of agony, that in a nutshell hurts physically and emotionally. My experience is that agony isn’t just something to be endured; it’s actually a destination we come to many times in our lives. It’s a place where we have an opportunity to meet ourselves at deeper and deeper levels. Here in the rawness of agony we find aspects of ourselves that have been lost or ignored like dust in a corner. We come to this space to make ourselves whole; we come to right our wrongs and to complete ourselves; we find what out we can be with and what strengths are available to us. These moments of anguish and agony make us vulnerable yet intimate with ourselves. Perhaps in this place called agony we can begin to dialog with ourselves at levels we never knew existed.
True leadership is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage, commitment and compassion. It takes passion and a deep desire to follow one’s destiny, even when easier routes are available.
Dr. Rosie
July 29th, 2010
What if I’m Wrong?
In the course of any choice-making process, whether its regarding career, relationship, health, finances – you name it, there is that underlying whisper gnawing at you taking that first step, or even the 59th step: “What if I’m WRONG?” Do you know what I’m talking about?
This past month I had a difference of opinion with an associate of mine. The conversation, as far as it went, didn’t satisfy my sense that we would be working this out in a way that would rebuild lost trust and connection. I severed the tie, I burnt the bridge and said goodbye. Then, self-doubt arose; what if I’m mistaken? What if the way I’m perceiving this is wrong? What if he comes to decide that I, Dr. Rosie, am not all that kind and compassionate stuff I seem to be?
For the majority of my life I’ve made thousands of choices in service to avoiding this question. To be wrong can feel catastrophic to that part that only has ONE interpretation of what it means to be wrong: I’ll be HUMILIATED!
Now, this part that fears humiliation is normally a very one part of each of us, who has been shamed, guilted and embarrassed. I don’t know if you remember what that feels like – that first conscious experience of being wrong, but basically, it’s unbearable and something to be avoided at all cost.
Many time I’ve stayed in relationships and in jobs, in locations etc, far too long, just to avoid the possibility that my choice may be the wrong choice and the consequences would be unbearable! At some point though, suffering the consequences of being wrong outweighed the staying; the scales were tipped and, well, I took that first step not knowing if I would survive.
Survive I did, yet, I’ve never gotten completely comfortable with making those choices that creates separation from another person. There’s always two sides to the story and distinguishing the who’s right and who’s wrong always gives me the heebie-jeebies. One of us is going to fall short in this conversation, one of us will be the bad guy, one of us will have to eat crow – you get the picture. In my first marriage, to avoid these conversations and the potential anger from my husband (fear of anger is right up there with fear of being wrong), I’d capitulate, I configured in my head how I was WRONG, I said I was sorry and the whole conversation would get dropped. I saved us both from long heated battles. That was how I avoided vulnerability. That may sound backwards, but sometimes that’s what we do.
Taking the Leap
Today, taking that leap by saying goodbye to this individual, I still feel that vulnerability to the potential consequences of being wrong about him or the circumstances. However, this time I’m willing to risk the consequences, feeling the vulnerability – actually being vulnerable to . . . .
When we make choices about what we want to do with our lives, our jobs, careers, etc, so often that questions what if I’m wrong hold us hostage.
Even now that feeling of being wrong is excruciating. I hate feeling the piercing emptiness, the blow of defeat to my ego. However, weighing this possibility against the integrity and dignity of being me, makes me step into my life with a straighter backbone, with more courage to face the possibility that I may be wrong, and if I am, I know that I’ll be learning something from the situation.
I’ve come to understand that it’s the learning that’s more valuable than maintaining safety from making mistakes.