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Ask Dr. Rosie

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Ask Dr. Rosie: Reviewing Values, Regrets and Acknowledgements

From: Julia W.   Boulder, Colorado

Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’m curious how you’ve prepared for this New Year? Did you evaluate and assess how things went for you in 2010 and make a list of what you want to have happen in 2011? What process did you follow to make this coming year better than the last?

Look forward to seeing you at the next Colorado Wonderful Women’s Retreat in February.

Julia

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From: Dr. Rosie

Hi Julia,
What comes along automatically for me with the end of a season, a cycle or a year is a process of questioning of what I could have done differently and what am I willing to consider doing differently in this upcoming period of time. Our economic situation is just one element of many that makes it seem imperative that I rethink things so as to allow life to turn out the way I want rather than have it turn out the way it could, if I don’t shift how I’m being or what I’m doing. This usually gives me a sense of control over my current situation and lessens the experience of being at the mercy of something outside myself. In just these few sentences I’ve revealed a couple of values that will enter my evaluation process and the planning I’ll do for 2011 and beyond.

You see, Julia, what influences our choice-making process more than anything else is the values that we live into; the values that we align with and in many ways make sacred, which will have us choose what we choose to choose for this upcoming year to turn out the way we want.

The values I want to live into are perhaps different than what I’ve always believed to be most important. Stability, Security, Safety and Control (SSS and C) have been primary values that have kept me stuck in beliefs and in actions that don’t really serve me anymore. I’m not wanting to replace these with their opposites but I may want to modify my list to include values that I’ve ignored or been afraid to acknowledge. The  SSS and C values too often have limited me from acting and allowing more of what I’m wanting to occur in my life. And so I want to ask myself what are some other qualities that I want as much as or more than SSS and C.

Freedom, Fun and Flexibility are three values at the top of my list when assessing projects I take on. Courage and Allowing are also very important. Love, Kindness and Generosity have become more important as I mature. And, for those who know me well, they know that Nature and Beauty are also very close to the top of my list.

Courage is becoming more important to me as I continually push the edge of my comfort zone in order to practice walking my talk. Integrity and Accountability are also really important to me and in order to be accountable and in integrity I have to be courageous enough to be-with the various forms of discomfort that are going to surface as I ignore those parts of me that want to resist this, in service to my old values of SSS and C.

This creates a dilemma in that I have to continually be vigilant, observing my natural inclination to avoid and distract myself, even go unconscious of my actions, in service of SSS and C. I have to continually be vigilant of not only my actions but the thoughts that fuel those actions, the ones that judge, criticize and hinder any movement towards those values that bring about a fulfillment of my spirit but contradict the belief that Safety, Stability and Security are essential. To live into my truth I continually have to practice being death-defying. I’m not into extreme sports unless you include taking leaps-of-faith an extreme sport.

So assessing my values and re-prioritizing them is a big practice I take on at the end of the year.

Another practice, Julia, is to make a list of regrets; what I did or didn’t do over the year that had things turn out the way they did. There isn’t anything to fix, heal, change or convert here, nor necessarily to forgive. Looking at this list lets me see where I didn’t act according to my highest good or my highest truth. I can sit with myself or with my coach and discover what survival strategies were in place that had me choose to choose what I chose. I ask myself what was I serving that created the regrets. What was I afraid people might find out or decide about me – or what I would find out or decide about myself? What was I afraid to discover about me? What would I have to face if I were to discover something about myself I wouldn’t like or respect? These questions allow me to go beyond the basic list-making of New Year Resolutions and become ever more resolved to transform my choice-making process to ensure the outcome I’m wanting.

There is a part of me that doesn’t want to be so accountable and responsible for creating a bigger, better and different 2011. I want to appreciate all I’ve done to make 2010 the year it was; to remember where I was courageous and brave, where I allowed myself to be vulnerable in service to my highest truth and highest good; where I pushed myself to be generous beyond my means, knowing that the abundance of the Universe is always showering gifts upon me. I want to acknowledge myself for all of the stretching and strengthening I did this year to become who I am and to be the foundation of who I’m becoming.

If I can follow through with these three practices, Julia, I believe I will be ready, perched on the edge of my nest, like a fledgling eagle and make the leap into the ethers anticipating the exhilaration of what’s to come.

May your year be filled with courage and daring acts of being you!

Blessings,

Rosie

Dr. Rosie

Tags: Acknowledgements, Courage, Transformational Coaching, Transpersonal Psychology, Values
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Ask Dr. Rosie: Leadership and Loving Kindness

From:  Karen, Montgomery, Alabama

Dear Dr. Rosie

I work as an HR person in a medium sized company here in Montgomery. I love my work because I get to use coaching skills to not only empower employees’ productivity but also create an environment that is fun and highly effective.

Lately, though, the employees have been bringing me more challenging issues. I’m having to intervene in a way that feels forceful and imposing rather than my more usual style of empowering them through inquiry to take actions on their own behalf. Because there’s potential for harming themselves or being harmed by someone else I have to step in, in a way that I don’t like. I’m having to tell them what to do and make sure they follow through. I don’t like this way of working but it seems to be what I’m having to do right now. What do you make of this?

Thanks for your blogs. I always find them insightful.

Karen

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From Dr. Rosie

Dear Karen,
What you are describing is an interesting phenomenon for people who work with people. Quite often the people we serve and their circumstances provide a growing edge for us as service providers. Sometimes the growing pains of our work may be more uncomfortable than we want, but it’s important work none the less.

I’m a big fan of Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence and of David Hawkins’ work on power vs. force. Both of these men are talking about the foundational emotional capacity to relate to ourselves, to others and to the world in a way that enhances our ability to act with integrity, authenticity and in service to the highest good of all involved. They are shedding light on the importance of cultivating better relationships with our emotional selves in order to empower others to do the same. I suspect that there may be an important learning opportunity here for you, that if not for your employees, you may try to side-step and avoid.

I guess the question I have for you, Karen, is what is it that makes you want to work the way you do? Generally speaking we move towards what we desire and avoid what we condiser to be undesirable. What would you say is undesirable that you are wanting to avoid that is showing up for you now? This question always provides great grist for the mill.

The majority of my supervision sessions with coaches generally have to do with these learning edges where the coach is getting confronted with their own resistance to being different as a coach. Here is one particular issues that arises for all of us:

The Golden Rule says: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. To really live into this rule requires the cultivation of compassion and kindness. Well, for many of us who grew up in families where there wasn’t compassion and kindness, in fact there may have been abuse and neglect to some degree; we created a different Golden Rule: Don’t do unto others what has been done unto you.

In Self-Empowerment 101, I speak about our relationship to power and how to allow ourselves to use our personal power in the highest good of ourselves and everyone. If, as a child, I witnessed people using their power for personal or professional gain and they harmed others, especially or me, I may have decided to never use my power to perpetrate harm or pain on others. I will never do unto others what has been done to me.

Many of us in the helping profession come from backgrounds that led us to decide to use our power in what we consider to be loving and kind ways, however, we may be missing an important interpretation of loving and kind that could actually not be helping at all. We may be enabling others to be less then accountable and responsible for their behaviors. We may be supporting and even encouraging behavior that may be harmful to themselves and others.

I hate pulling rank on people. I hate using force of any kind, however sometimes I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. It’s that choice-point, which may require tough love.

When sitting with a client in session, I ask myself if my actions are for personal or professional gain, or are they in the best interest of my client? This is the question to ask yourself. And likewise, if you are not using your power to empower accountability and responsibility in your clients for their actions – what is that serving in you?  In a sense, when you are not requiring accountability and integrity of your employees; that’s serving something in you and is not in the best interest of anyone. Do you get what I’m saying?

This is tough love, for ourselves, our client’s and our employees. And if we don’t discipline ourselves to be tough when tough is required we aren’t doing our jobs. This goes for every role we play – as friends, parents and community members.

When faced with a similar issue, Karen, I was angry that I had to be forceful, yet I knew I had to be, otherwise harm would come to my client, through their own actions or someone else’s. I had to tell myself that my use of assertiveness and forcefulness was required of me in service to my client’s well-being. I checked in with myself numerous times to ensure I wasn’t perpetrating harm for my own personal or professional gain.

If we are always using our power to avoid perpetrating harm we may be avoiding an important reality – one we can’t avoid; and that is that people won’t always like us, they won’t like our perspectives or our actions. We have to shift our interpretation about the perpetration of harm so that we have the capacity to act in our own highest good and the highest good of others, even if they don’t like it. This isn’t always easy to discern but again, if we are clear about our role and what’s required of us in service to that which we are in service to we can act more in alignment with our own accountability and integrity.

Join me for a Webinar: What is Transformational Coaching, Thursday Nov. 4, 7:30pm, pst:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=165152753514394

Dr. Rosie

Tags: Confrontation in the Workplace, Do no harm, Leadership, Leadership Coaching, self-empowerment, Tough Love, Transformationa Coaching, Transformational Leadership, Transpersonal Psychology
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Creating a Business in Times of Uncertainty

From Sharon, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’m focusing on getting my business off the ground. And, at the same time there is so much talk about an economic meltdown; I just don’t know what to do. Should I stay under my covers where I feel safe and wait for it all to do what it’s going to do or should I move forward with my intention and hope for the best?

Your articles are written in such a way that they have a spiritual quality to them without being too religious or too woo-woo. This makes me feel comfortable asking you this question. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

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Thank you Sharon.
You ask an important question, one that I think is on a lot of people’s minds.
There is so much fear these days. I’ve heard it said that we’ll soon be going to hell in a hand basket. Man, that can make anyone feel anxious and terrified; it makes sense that you’d want to hide under your covers, with that kind of talk going around.

For every one who predicts the hell-in-a-hand basket outcome there are just as many who predicts things will turn around in time. You get to decide which truth you want to create. With the science of quantum physics proving that our thinking creates our reality, I ask you Sharon, which reality will you create. This way of thinking challenges our normal version of reality, and it challenges us to exercise muscles that will work in our favor regardless of what we hear.

It’s important to consider though, that these conversation related the economic situation aren’t that different than those conversations going on inside our own heads; the ones that have us question whether we can or should move ahead on a project. We have as many nay-sayers in our heads as there are outside our heads. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the media or just in our heads, we have to choose to choose what we want to be true and live into it as if it is true, until it is true. Does that make sense?

Our world needs to empower every individual on this planet to say “Yes I Can!” We need to empower our children, our friends, family members, employees, even our employers to move in the direction of their hearts desire, their passion and their vision. Clarifying your intentions about what you want to fulfill, then living into your intention, regardless of the outcome, is essential.

While living and traveling aboard a sailboat, during a particularly severe storm, there was a possibility that the boat might sink and we would all die. My choice in that moment was to either do everything I could to keep the boat afloat or go down to my bunk and wait for death to take me. I chose to live into my intention to do whatever I could to keep myself safe and help keep the boat from sinking. I feel so good that I was courageous enough to make that choice.

Quite often, as I begin to move toward my desired outcome, anxiety surfaces. Anxiety makes me feel really uncomfortable. I want to avoid the discomfort of that experience. If I do something to avoid the anxiety more than likely I distract myself for a very long time. What I’ve had to learn to do is be with the discomfort of the anxiety while I continue to move forward with my projects. Much like sailing in that storm, where I was really terrified, I had to keep moving forward in order to save the boat and my life.

Sometimes we have to feel the fear, the anxiety, the anger or sadness and do what we have to do, just because we have to!

I want you to consider that one way or the other you’ll be making choices about your career. What choices will you make based on worry, fear and anxiety? What choices will you make based on confidence, courage and clarity of intention? Which of these choices will move you in the direction you want to go? Are there choices that can have you move at a speed that supports momentum yet doesn’t feel too risky? In a sense, do you require a bit of both/and, meaning moving forward while maintaining a safe speed toward your destination – that which you say you want?

Last week I talked about faith, which needs to be practiced whatever it is we are having to be with. Every time we move out onto the edge of our comfort zone we have to practice faith, we have to be with the “I don’t know how to do this” experience over and over again. As long as we are moving into our desires, wants and our needs we’ll have to be edging ourselves out, expanding our comfort zone. The outcome of this practice is that life gets easier to be with, so does change and transformation?

We can’t help but be anxious about uncertainty. And, at the same time we can begin to see that uncertainty is all there is. In doing so, we can then come to a place of acceptance about uncertainty; perhaps grieve the loss of what we thought was certain, and learn to be more at peace with what is. This is big work, Sharon, but I’m pretty sure it’s part of what all of us, and I do mean all of us, need to accept.

So many areas of the world are war-torn, poverty stricken, full of disease and death. The certainty of affluence that you and I have known here in North America has been a gift. I’m not sure that it is a right, as we’ve come to believe. I can practice gratitude for all that I’ve been provided and at the same time, begin to cultivate ways of being with uncertainty that allows me serenity and peace.

Here are a couple of things to do in support of this process. First, create a business plan. Start with the intentions of this business; this includes: What is your vision for this business, what is it here to serve? Write down all the intentions you have. Then, write down the various ways to serve these intentions. Also create a timeline of when you will put these ways into practice. Create a financial plan for yourself – how much money do you need to run your business, how much money to you want to be making as a profit. Consider how much money you’ll need to support you while you are birthing and growing your business. Keep it simple enough that you can take the steps required to fulfill your intentions, yet not too big that you feel overwhelmed. Just pace yourself, and, as I always encourage, get a coach or a thinking partner to keep you on track.

Bottom line for living with uncertainty? Listen to your heart!

Blessings,

Rosie

Author of Self-Empowerment 101

http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68  

rosie@theparadigmshifts.com

www.dr-rosie.com

http://www.mvpseminars.com/Management%20and%20Supervision/shifting-the-paradigm-of-stress-management/

Dr. Rosie

Tags: Business Coaching, Business Plan, Faith, Spirituality, Transformational Coaching, Transpersonal Psychology, Uncertainty
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Chasing Ideas to Somewhere

From Usha,

Hello Dr. Kuhn,

Here I am to ask you something again.

How do I put ideas into action? You know, I find so many ideas great and even practical, but many a times I get carried away and do not act on them. Why does this happen? I want to start acting on my ideas, how………help? I feel I am sounding like my 7 year old kid asking for help but seriously, I find this a huge problem. Is it that I feel the need to be guided always to act upon something?

Looking forward to your wonderful and very insightful thoughts,
Usha

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From Dr. Rosie

Thanks Usha for your questions. It’s great to hear what’s coming up for you as weeks go by. Your questions reflect what many other people are confounded with – Choice-making!

You’ve heard me talk about this already and you will hear me talk about this again, because every dilemma we face is based on having to make a choice between at least two desires, wants or commitments.

How do I choose? As a coach, I find that one of the most challenging moments my clients face is having to make a choice between many great ideas – how do they know which one to choose, which one will be most rewarding and fulfilling and which one’s they’ll have to let go of, for the moment.

Dr. Rosie

Tags: Money, self-empowerment, Transformational Coaching, Transpersonal Psychology
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What if I Fail?

Maria asks:

Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’ve been following your column for the past few weeks. I’m inspired to consider taking steps towards my dream career as a graphic artist – I’m so passionate about creating! I’m also so scared that I might fail in this endeavor. Who will be there to pick me up or to catch me if I fall? I’m so afraid of being alone. I’d love some words of wisdom to help me take the first step.

Thanks Dr. Rosie,
Maria
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From Dr. Rosie

Dear Maria,
I totally empathize with you as you stand at the crossroads of a big decision. This decision seems huge – thinking about all of the things you’ll have to do to become a graphic artist. It’s really not that at all. It’s the decision to trust in your self, enough to risk the possibility of failure. I’ll talk about failure in a moment, but first let’s talk about trusting yourself enough:

Dr. Rosie

Tags: Career Development, Fear of Failure, Leap of Faith, Transformationa Coaching, Transpersonal Psychology
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