Ask Dr. Rosie
May 16th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: E is for Empowerment, Engage and Essence
My experience with life in any business environment is, that these three words empowerment, essence and engage, are the most powerful. They support and enhance personal and professional growth for both you and the business within which you are employed. The degree to which you are engaged with your work and your environment from an empowered perspective is the degree to which you will experience fulfillment and healthy dynamics within the workplace.
In my initial interviews with clients, regardless of their position, I ask: “What are you afraid people are going to find out or decide about you?” In quick order, even top executives will share aspects of their humanity that they are afraid will be found out. They’ll say something like “I’m afraid people will find out that I’m a fraud, that I’m unworthy of my current position; I don’t know as much as people think I know; I’m barely able to cope with the responsibilities I have; I sometimes doubt my capacity to do my job effectively. The list is endless as each of us has our own unique set of truths about ourselves that we want to keep secret.
The next question I ask “What do you do so people don’t find out that you are a (in this case) a fraud, unworthy of your position and the responsibility that comes with it?”
The answers to this question reflect a set of survival strategies, which over time become unconscious mechanisms that in a nutshell we call our personality or our ego. As you can see, our ego is fueled by fear-based precepts that have you believe that you flawed and have to act and be in certain ways in order to avoid being found out. Being found out, for most of us translates into being rejected, humiliated or annihilated.
It takes an incredible amount of effort for our ego’s radar system to constantly be on the lookout for potential slips that could incur being found out.
Imagine the amount of attention you put towards this protective process I call your survival mechanism. It’s much like your computer that is set up with a virus detecting software. It has to be on alert 24/7. In the case of us humans, though we are alert for not only what might be coming in, but more importantly what we might be putting out.
In the business environment too many of us are working and being from our egoic self. What else is there, you might ask?
Imagine if you will, a moment in your life when you are not operating from your fear-based strategies. What’s that like in your body? What’s the quality of the experience you are imagining yourself in? Sometimes it’s challenging for people to remember a time because it’s rare for them to not be stressed, fearful and on alert. However, most people will eventually remember a time or at least begin to sense into what it might be like. When they do they describe the qualities of being in that moment as, light, relaxed, free, creative, playful, fearless, engaged, connecting, open, flexible. This list too is endless as there are so many adjectives to describe this state of being without fear. We know this place; we just don’t visit it often enough.
The fourth question I ask my client is: “What would shift in your relationship to your work and your work environment if you were to coming from freedom, creative, relaxed, . . . instead of stressed, overwhelmed, intimidated, . .? The answers always astound the person answering. “I’d be more accessible to my direct reports, I’d be more engaged in their projects; I’d be less controlling and would delegate more easily. I’d be more fun to be around and I’d support people in being innovative. I wouldn’t be so stressed; I’d also be more willing to leave the office earlier, spending more time with family, friends and myself.
Wow! So by imagining being in a state that is not fear-based all sorts of possibilities show up that may have seemed otherwise impossible.
Once an individual is aware that they actually can choose to choose differently in how to be who they want to be in their work environment they then can begin to exercise muscles that will help them generate from this newfound freedom, fun and flexibility.
You would think that once experienced and revelation has occurred that people would actually empower themselves to choose to begin the process of shifting from fear-based choice-making to what I call essence-based choice-making. This brings us back to that essential dilemma of wanting what is desirable, at the same time wanting to avoid what is undesirable. For those committed to bringing spirituality into business there is will be the conflicting commitment of wanting to avoid repercussions. Again, those four basic questions need to be asked: “What are you afraid people will find out or decide about you; what do you do in order to have them not find that out; what qualities arise when you remember your vision of having the desired outcome; an lastly what would shift if you were to be that now? What choices would you make and what actions would you take in alignment with that choice?
This line of questioning consistently brings the individual in direct alignment with their essence of being, and empowers them to engage in actions that will bring about the desired outcome.
I totally understand how terrifying it is to consider being in your essence, especially in the workplace. Rarely are we seen or acknowledged for our essence-self. However, we are not our survival strategies, they change as our circumstances change; we are not our ego either. If that were true we would never ever experience those moments when we know ourselves beyond or fear and limitations. It doesn’t make it any less scary.
This brings me back to my original introduction when I defined spirituality as the practice of faith-leaping; exercising muscles that allow you to consider the possibility of shifting from the perspective that life is scary, to, life is a daring adventure or it is nothing – as Helen Keller said. Engaging with your life as a daring adventure requires thoughtful presence to what it is you’ve come here to do and to be.
At some point you will realize you don’t have a choice but to begin to get those muscles in shape. It isn’t a matter of if, it is a matter of when you’ll empower yourself to engage in living into your essence of being and living your life totally on purpose.
Dr. Rosie
November 8th, 2010
Ask Dr. Rosie: Can I Get a Witness?
“I don’t want you to fix anything! I just want you to listen”
How many times have you said this, or had this line said to you? Or, have you ever said this to someone, or had it said to you?
“This isn’t about you! This is about me – stop making it about YOU!”
And, one more. . .
“You are talking but you aren’t talking to me! I feel like I could walk away and you wouldn’t even notice.”
Ah! Listening and speaking, communicating, connecting. . . . What the heck are we up to? From these few examples above, it really gives you something to wonder about.
For me, listening is a gift. It is not given for personal gain. It is given from the heart. As a gift, listening brings full intention to the present moment allowing all parties to be fully engaged and connected.
The sharing of thoughts and feeling through speaking is also a gift. Every time we speak we share the essence of our being, our experiences, and, at the same time we make ourselves vulnerability to potential judgment and rejection. Too often, though we aren’t conscious of our intention of our sharing, and most of the time we are wanting some personal gain. Think about it. What is it like to be in conversation with people who are talking or listening to you in order to get something for themselves, something they aren’t asking for directly? For me, it kind of feels yucky, as though I’m being used.
Ask yourself – What’s my intention for listening to this person? What am I listening for? Does my listening elicit trust? Am I listening for opportunities to talk about myself? Many of us listen in order to connect and to witness; and we listen in order to give feedback, advice or counsel. We also listen to gain information. Being intentional about your listening can make a huge shift in how people speak to you.
Rarely do we truly give ourselves through listening. That’s probably why so many people hire therapists, counselors, coaches, consultants and ministers. We want to have the experience of being witness in a way that makes us feel like we matter; even for just an hour a week! Sometime we want feedback or advice but most often, I believe, what all of us are wanting through our listening and speaking is a way to engage with another in order to feel like we matter.
How We Learn Our Unique Style of Speaking and Listening?
If you look at what it was like to be you in your family, at school, maybe in social gatherings, you’ll begin to see how you came to choose your specific style of speaking and listening. Maybe you had to keep talking and talking and talking, otherwise you’d be ignored. Maybe because someone else did all the talking you learned to tune out and stopped listening altogether. We learn to speak and listen based on our interpretations of the environment we live and work in. We check out the situation and make choices based on what’s going to best serve us.
Along time ago, when I was a little kid, the sixth child of nine, I couldn’t get a word in edge-wise. When I did speak I would tell stories I thought were funny, but people only laughed at me, not with me. I wasn’t taken seriously, and well, no one really cared what I had to say.
Early on I experienced the loneliness of not being seen or heard. In high school, though I was somewhat popular I still felt invisible on the inside. I came to decide that I had nothing to say that was of any interest to anyone, and so to a large degree I stopped talking. I stopped having thoughts and opinions or stories to share.
I also came to decide that there are a lot of people like me who don’t have any one who’s interested in listening to them either. I decided that I wanted to provide what wasn’t provided for me. I learned to be a good listener. I learned to be curious and fascinated with each person’s unique story and the wisdom they’ve gained through their experience. I loved being told that I was a good listener and I felt fulfilled that I was filling a void in other people’s lives.
All of that obviously led me to be doing the work I do and have been doing for the past thirty years as a therapist, spiritual guide and life and business coach. And, even through my profession I rarely speak more than what’s required to engage others in the dialog or discussion.
I believe my level of mastery as a coach, facilitator and trainer came from my background, learning to say little and to focus on engaging others in speaking their wisdom and experience. I find that most people know what I have to tell them anyway, so rather than boring them I’ll engage them in a dialog that empowers them to access their own wisdom, their expertise and also the essence of their being. They feel seen, witnessed and acknowledged. To some degree my personal gain is that I get to live vicariously through their experience, and at the same time, enjoy the fruits of my labor. I feel fulfilled doing the work I love to do.
The bottom line is that when I’m curious and interested enough to let people talk they’ll provide the majority of what I would have said and they’ve most likely empowered themselves far more than if I’d lectured and ended up empowering only myself.
So, you can see that like all of us, I’ve got a specific intention in the way that I listen and speak as a coach and facilitator. My intention is not to be boring – in order to avoid rejection, loneliness and invisibility, and to engage people in what they like to do best – talk about what they know – themselves, which empowers them to generate from their own wisdom.
And, yes. . . . I love when people are genuinely interested in who I am and what I’m up to. Like everyone else, I love to talk about myself when given a trustful ear to listen.
I encourage you to notice what you are listening for and what you are speaking to. Obviously this will shift and change depending on the circumstances. The process of noticing also allows you to be a witness to yourself. The very act of intentionally listening to yourself will cultivate amazing feelings of fulfillment within you. Give it a try, if you dare!
Dr. Rosie
November 1st, 2010
Ask Dr. Rosie: Leadership and Loving Kindness
From: Karen, Montgomery, Alabama
Dear Dr. Rosie
I work as an HR person in a medium sized company here in Montgomery. I love my work because I get to use coaching skills to not only empower employees’ productivity but also create an environment that is fun and highly effective.
Lately, though, the employees have been bringing me more challenging issues. I’m having to intervene in a way that feels forceful and imposing rather than my more usual style of empowering them through inquiry to take actions on their own behalf. Because there’s potential for harming themselves or being harmed by someone else I have to step in, in a way that I don’t like. I’m having to tell them what to do and make sure they follow through. I don’t like this way of working but it seems to be what I’m having to do right now. What do you make of this?
Thanks for your blogs. I always find them insightful.
Karen
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From Dr. Rosie
Dear Karen,
What you are describing is an interesting phenomenon for people who work with people. Quite often the people we serve and their circumstances provide a growing edge for us as service providers. Sometimes the growing pains of our work may be more uncomfortable than we want, but it’s important work none the less.
I’m a big fan of Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence and of David Hawkins’ work on power vs. force. Both of these men are talking about the foundational emotional capacity to relate to ourselves, to others and to the world in a way that enhances our ability to act with integrity, authenticity and in service to the highest good of all involved. They are shedding light on the importance of cultivating better relationships with our emotional selves in order to empower others to do the same. I suspect that there may be an important learning opportunity here for you, that if not for your employees, you may try to side-step and avoid.
I guess the question I have for you, Karen, is what is it that makes you want to work the way you do? Generally speaking we move towards what we desire and avoid what we condiser to be undesirable. What would you say is undesirable that you are wanting to avoid that is showing up for you now? This question always provides great grist for the mill.
The majority of my supervision sessions with coaches generally have to do with these learning edges where the coach is getting confronted with their own resistance to being different as a coach. Here is one particular issues that arises for all of us:
The Golden Rule says: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. To really live into this rule requires the cultivation of compassion and kindness. Well, for many of us who grew up in families where there wasn’t compassion and kindness, in fact there may have been abuse and neglect to some degree; we created a different Golden Rule: Don’t do unto others what has been done unto you.
In Self-Empowerment 101, I speak about our relationship to power and how to allow ourselves to use our personal power in the highest good of ourselves and everyone. If, as a child, I witnessed people using their power for personal or professional gain and they harmed others, especially or me, I may have decided to never use my power to perpetrate harm or pain on others. I will never do unto others what has been done to me.
Many of us in the helping profession come from backgrounds that led us to decide to use our power in what we consider to be loving and kind ways, however, we may be missing an important interpretation of loving and kind that could actually not be helping at all. We may be enabling others to be less then accountable and responsible for their behaviors. We may be supporting and even encouraging behavior that may be harmful to themselves and others.
I hate pulling rank on people. I hate using force of any kind, however sometimes I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. It’s that choice-point, which may require tough love.
When sitting with a client in session, I ask myself if my actions are for personal or professional gain, or are they in the best interest of my client? This is the question to ask yourself. And likewise, if you are not using your power to empower accountability and responsibility in your clients for their actions – what is that serving in you? In a sense, when you are not requiring accountability and integrity of your employees; that’s serving something in you and is not in the best interest of anyone. Do you get what I’m saying?
This is tough love, for ourselves, our client’s and our employees. And if we don’t discipline ourselves to be tough when tough is required we aren’t doing our jobs. This goes for every role we play – as friends, parents and community members.
When faced with a similar issue, Karen, I was angry that I had to be forceful, yet I knew I had to be, otherwise harm would come to my client, through their own actions or someone else’s. I had to tell myself that my use of assertiveness and forcefulness was required of me in service to my client’s well-being. I checked in with myself numerous times to ensure I wasn’t perpetrating harm for my own personal or professional gain.
If we are always using our power to avoid perpetrating harm we may be avoiding an important reality – one we can’t avoid; and that is that people won’t always like us, they won’t like our perspectives or our actions. We have to shift our interpretation about the perpetration of harm so that we have the capacity to act in our own highest good and the highest good of others, even if they don’t like it. This isn’t always easy to discern but again, if we are clear about our role and what’s required of us in service to that which we are in service to we can act more in alignment with our own accountability and integrity.
Join me for a Webinar: What is Transformational Coaching, Thursday Nov. 4, 7:30pm, pst:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=165152753514394
Dr. Rosie
June 25th, 2010
What if I Fail?
Maria asks:
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’ve been following your column for the past few weeks. I’m inspired to consider taking steps towards my dream career as a graphic artist – I’m so passionate about creating! I’m also so scared that I might fail in this endeavor. Who will be there to pick me up or to catch me if I fall? I’m so afraid of being alone. I’d love some words of wisdom to help me take the first step.
Thanks Dr. Rosie,
Maria
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From Dr. Rosie
Dear Maria,
I totally empathize with you as you stand at the crossroads of a big decision. This decision seems huge – thinking about all of the things you’ll have to do to become a graphic artist. It’s really not that at all. It’s the decision to trust in your self, enough to risk the possibility of failure. I’ll talk about failure in a moment, but first let’s talk about trusting yourself enough:
In my book Self-Empowerment 101, I talk about that place inside where you can sit in your dream and passion knowing that it’s possible. It’s palpable; you can feel what it’s like to be doing what you love with no fear of failure – just pure joy. What’s it like to access that place in this moment? What qualities are present in this experience? For me, when I step into this place I feel relaxed, liberated from constraints, unlimited, light and ease. From here, it feels like everything and anything is possible! From here, I won’t fail and if I did, I’ll be okay. Your job, Maria, is to commit to accessing this place a few times a day and creating practices that move you toward graphic artistry. I say it this way so that you can embody the reality that you are already a graphic artist, and that you will be just leaning into and through the next veil of limitation that you come up against.
Each and every one of my clients has to be committed to themselves and their dreams enough to just lean into what’s limiting them. Whether its fear of failure, fear of rejections, fear of humiliation; it doesn’t matter. All of us have to face that part of us that doesn’t believe and trust that we, I, can do this.
How we normally be with our fears is to distract ourselves from them, to avoid feeling the discomfort and anxiety, to then perhaps deny that we even care enough to take the steps towards what we say we want. We can teach ourselves to be different with our fears and discomforts. We can practice controlling them instead of allowing them to control us. If I’m allowing my fears to control me than I’m choosing to allow them to control me: What the heck is that about? How is that serving me?
Being with Failure
Maria, I want you to ask yourself – what does it mean to fail? Write down what comes up for you, for example; it means isolation, humiliation, rejection, poverty, worthlessness. Then ask yourself: What do you have it mean to be, for example, isolated, humiliated, rejected, poor and worthless. Notice your thoughts as well as emotions and body sensations. Again, what meaning are you making for yourself about being isolated, etc? This is a very empowering exercise, because you can begin to see how you choose to make meaning, how you choose to think about things a certain way, and that you can choose differently in what meaning you make! How empowering is that?
Each of us make meaning of our world, and quite often these meanings paralyze us. Sometime we allow ourselves to sabotage our dreams by triggering disempowering thoughts and feelings. Many times I’ve had to notice when and how I allow a thought to make me feel scared and anxious.
No matter who we are or what our career or life aspirations are, each of us are using particular strategies to either move us toward our desires or sabotage us and paralyze us, creating a sense of “I just can’t do this!”
Do you see how powerful you are at choosing what you choose? The practice is to cultivate more awareness, through noticing of what you are doing, what you are thinking and feeling, and just observe your brilliance at creating the reality you are currently living in. Then, if you want, you can choose to choose differently!
To a large degree fear is a constant – especially for those who are wanting to live on the edge of their lives. We face the unknown, unsure of what the next leap of faith will bring about. However, as you move into your life more openly aware of who you are and how you operate you will notice how you choose to be with fear and empower yourself to choose differently, only if you want.
Who will be there to pick me up or to catch me if I fall?
The leaps of faith you will be making, Maria, as you move toward graphic artistry, only have to be big enough to move you in the direction of the results you are after. This can be just a shift in attitude, one item checked off your to-do list, one email or phone call that feels scary. Rarely, if we really pay attention and notice our choice-making process will you fail or fall very far. One step forward, two steps back is really an effective practice in creating attention to what you are choosing and seeing that perhaps you are choosing to not succeed – that’s not failure! Are you curious enough to pay close attention to how you might intentionally choose not to succeed and see this, again, as a very empowering process?
This can be challenging work to do on your own. I encourage you to consider finding a thinking partner, a coach, or a support group to keep you present to your commitments.
The bottom line, Maria, is you will not fail. And, you will come to trust yourself to catch you if you fall!
Have Fun!
Dr. Rosie