Ask Dr. Rosie
September 10th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: J is for Judgment
Probably the single most damaging undertaking is the practice of judging ourselves. We judge ourselves, we project how others might judge us as well we judge others in relation to our own self-judgments. You can imagine how much energy this takes moving throughout the day.
In my previous writing I shared how you have set intentions about how your day will unfold before you’ve opened your eyes. That’s because you have set judgments about yourself, life, jobs, money … you’ve set judgments about everything and anything. These judgments take the form of assessments, assumptions, expectations, beliefs and interpretations, and before your feet hit the floor you are operating based on what you’ve already decided will be happening for the rest of the day and how that influences the rest of your life.
In your work environment, suspending judgments begins by flexing muscles that cultivate conscious choice-making regarding who you be and how you be in whatever role you play.
A client of mine, Chuck, works in the marketing department of a Fortune 100 company. At 47 years of age, he’s at a point in his career where he is rethinking what it is he is wanting to do for the next 20 years. Should he stay in corporate work and move up into a director position; leave Los Angeles and move back East to be closer to his aging parents – he carries a worry that if he doesn’t move back now he might regret it in the future; or should he go into a field that he is passionate about. He wanted a session with me in hopes that I could help him figure it out.
Chuck does a good deal of comparing – how he measures up to others around him. He begins to think he should be more like Candice who is strategic, smart, innovative and develops relationships effortlessly. He begins to slump in his chair as he describes Candice’s attributes. In many ways, Chuck is very accomplished and has had an exceptional life; however he continually carries an extraordinary list around in his head of what he should be and how he should be. He has little idea what he really wants for himself in relation to his career because every want is followed by a “Yes, but, I should be …”
Within our session, Chuck began to observe the degree to which he automatically assesses his actions by projecting an assumed reaction from his colleagues. He doesn’t really know what their judgments are, but they influence him none-the-less. He’s judging himself based on some preconceived interpretation about how he thinks he measures up or should measure up. Again, this is exhausting. And, Chuck is not alone. Millions of us are continually assessing and judging ourselves and others and we have little idea that we are doing it.
Bringing shifts and changes into business begins with you. It starts with you cultivating awareness about how you be who you be and by noticing your judgments about yourself and those with whom you share your day, be it your boss, direct reports, customers and clients. It begins with acknowledging this automatic response and then getting curious about where those judgments and interpretations come from. That curiosity will begin to allow you to expand your awareness and wonder how you came to choose what has become so automatic.
What’s the Alternative to Judging?
We will always judge, compare, assess and interpret. These are essential and valuable tools in distinguishing and discerning what works for us and what doesn’t work for us. However, because they are used primarily unconsciously they create more harm than healing. We don’t have to stop judging, but it may be helpful to suspend it long enough to notice the value that judging brings.
If you are wanting to bring change into the workplace, or if you just want to cultivate awareness in yourself, what is it that you want to practice in relation to judging, expecting, interpreting and assuming?
Notice when you judge something as right, wrong, good or bad; notice where something or someone is too slow, too fast, not enough or too much and needs to change. This also goes for noting these thoughts about you. The object of this practice is just to notice. You’ll notice too that you’ll begin to judge yourself and what you notice, saying “yes, but, I am right, or they are wrong.” What’s the point?
What does judging and assessing as a practice do for you? How does this empower you? Does it allow you to create change in relation to yourself and your environment? Does it allow you to feel righteous and better than, and if so, how does this impact on the reality you are wanting to create for yourself?
Coming back to Chuck for a moment: Chuck recognized that he was afraid of being judged and through his continuous judgment of his work environment he always played it safe, staying within what he assessed as appropriate. And up until our session he hadn’t realized that this practice of judging and assessing is what keeps him from getting promoted to a more senior position, where he would have to lead in ways that would be innovated and may be perceived as risky. He is now at a choice-point where he can choose with awareness, what he wants and what he is willing to practice to support that outcome.
The automatic thinking that we do always consists of judgments. Just bringing awareness to our judgments allows us to be curious about just how true they really are. This allows us to choose differently if it serves us to do so. Enjoy the exploration!
Dr. Rosie
July 25th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: G is for Gain, Greed and Generosity
Every organization whether it be for profit or non-profit are in their line of business in order to gain something – it’s most likely in their vision statement. My vision statement, for example is – the fulfillment of the human spirit through the empowerment of every individual on the planet. This vision requires an acquisition of fulfillment and personal empowerment.
Whether to gain access to clean water, acquire political power, or to expand one’s capacity to lead effectively, we are all out to gain.
With the economic turn, the way it’s going, businesses are facing major dilemmas. On the one hand they – the choice-makers are facing potential loss of everything they’ve gained. Too often this drives them to act in ways that will hopefully allow them to not lose anything. Fear too often drives them to act in haste, making choices that may not be in alignment with their original vision. They are afraid. People make interesting choices when they are afraid.
We like to think of ourselves as gainfully employed or engaged, yet few of us want to associate ourselves with words such greed. However too often we are unconscious of when and how we withhold what we’ve gained out of a fear we aren’t even aware of. Our greediness is often disguised.
On the other hand of the dilemma, there are those companies that are looking at their circumstances not from a fear-based perspective but from one that can benefit many during this time of adversity?
When we start to shift our contexts we see what’s to be gained – not from fear-based greed, but from some place other than fear – generosity.
Less is More
Do you remember the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, in A Christmas Carole? Scrooge’s greed wasn’t limited to money. He was greedy with his heart. We find out why, as we’re given the opportunity to witness specific events in his life that created devastating loneliness and heart break. Because of these events he chose to withhold and be miserly with his gains, which greatly impacted on many people.
Like Scrooge, every one of us experiences, to some degree, loneliness and heartbreak. We experience, like Scrooge the inevitability of abandonment, betrayal and rejection. And, much like Ebenezer, we bury the pain deep inside, distancing ourselves that pain, which wreaks havoc on the façade we’ve invented. This façade has us look and feel powerful and invulnerable, yet inevitably we find, as Scrooge found that this limits the potential to fulfill our true potential.
Fear is an enormously powerful muscle that is exercised far too frequently; so much so that we are unconscious as to how much it impacts on our choice to enjoy being engaged in the business of doing business. Our fears limit the pleasures of relating, connecting and sharing ourselves and our talents in service of our vision, which inspired us in the first place.
All of us – the Human Race – have the capacity to overcome the adversities of our pasts. Hiding our hearts in a scrooge-like fashion, though, is not the way to do it, but practicing generosity can be.
The Muscle of Generosity
This muscle called generosity is always with us. It just hasn’t had a whole lot of exercise.
Exercising this muscle generates the experience of abundance, openness and allowing, innovation and expansion. Scrooge found this place after his journey with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. He came to see that he had nothing to lose and had so much to gain in discarding his lengthy practice of greed.
As the paradigm shifts, we are so much more capable of witnessing our attachments to our gains, our fear of losing what we’ve gained and of finding that through some playful curiosity we can discover other ways to gain without fear of losing what we’ve gained.
Those committed to bringing spirituality into the workplace may feel like they have an uphill battle ahead of them. Simple exercises now will, however generate the necessary strength, courage and wisdom to engage in what’s to come. You will find the shift easy and effortless – trust me!
Just for one day I want you to try something (Maybe for some of us, it will be just an hour or a minute.): Notice opportunities to share a smile. Notice who you are willing to share a smile with, and from whom you withhold a smile. That’s it! That’s the practice.
You’re probably asking: “What’s a smile got to do with generosity?” Good question. I could explain it to you but it wouldn’t be the same as having you experience what happens when you smile. Plus, this practice isn’t about whether you smile more or less. It’s about noticing when you choose to allow yourself to smile and when you choose to withhold a smile. It’s about noticing how you are choosing to choose to smile. This choice-making process underlies so much of your being with fear, with gain and with spirituality.
Notice what it feels like inside you, without judging or assessing yourself. Our actions can be so automatic sometimes that we aren’t even aware of the thoughts or feelings we’re having underneath.
How can we be the generosity we so wish to experience?
I have only four suggestions: 1) Smile more often, even when you are challenged by your circumstances; 2) Notice your desire to complain about anything and everything; 3) Notice if what you are doing inspires generosity of spirit in your own heart. If it doesn’t inspire generosity of spirit in your own heart, consider doing something else.
Know that each and every one of us comes into our work environment anticipating and hoping that we will experience generosity of spirit from those we engage with during the course of our day. Like Scrooge, many of us don’t have the capacity to even share a smile. Even though it may be disappointing, see if you can share compassion to those who have less capacity to be giving of their hearts. Your compassion may be the most generous gift of the day. You may gain far more from that activity than you ever imagined.
Enjoy the Exploration!
Dr. Rosie
August 31st, 2010
Creating a Business in Times of Uncertainty
From Sharon, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’m focusing on getting my business off the ground. And, at the same time there is so much talk about an economic meltdown; I just don’t know what to do. Should I stay under my covers where I feel safe and wait for it all to do what it’s going to do or should I move forward with my intention and hope for the best?
Your articles are written in such a way that they have a spiritual quality to them without being too religious or too woo-woo. This makes me feel comfortable asking you this question. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
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Thank you Sharon.
You ask an important question, one that I think is on a lot of people’s minds.
There is so much fear these days. I’ve heard it said that we’ll soon be going to hell in a hand basket. Man, that can make anyone feel anxious and terrified; it makes sense that you’d want to hide under your covers, with that kind of talk going around.
For every one who predicts the hell-in-a-hand basket outcome there are just as many who predicts things will turn around in time. You get to decide which truth you want to create. With the science of quantum physics proving that our thinking creates our reality, I ask you Sharon, which reality will you create. This way of thinking challenges our normal version of reality, and it challenges us to exercise muscles that will work in our favor regardless of what we hear.
It’s important to consider though, that these conversation related the economic situation aren’t that different than those conversations going on inside our own heads; the ones that have us question whether we can or should move ahead on a project. We have as many nay-sayers in our heads as there are outside our heads. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the media or just in our heads, we have to choose to choose what we want to be true and live into it as if it is true, until it is true. Does that make sense?
Our world needs to empower every individual on this planet to say “Yes I Can!” We need to empower our children, our friends, family members, employees, even our employers to move in the direction of their hearts desire, their passion and their vision. Clarifying your intentions about what you want to fulfill, then living into your intention, regardless of the outcome, is essential.
While living and traveling aboard a sailboat, during a particularly severe storm, there was a possibility that the boat might sink and we would all die. My choice in that moment was to either do everything I could to keep the boat afloat or go down to my bunk and wait for death to take me. I chose to live into my intention to do whatever I could to keep myself safe and help keep the boat from sinking. I feel so good that I was courageous enough to make that choice.
Quite often, as I begin to move toward my desired outcome, anxiety surfaces. Anxiety makes me feel really uncomfortable. I want to avoid the discomfort of that experience. If I do something to avoid the anxiety more than likely I distract myself for a very long time. What I’ve had to learn to do is be with the discomfort of the anxiety while I continue to move forward with my projects. Much like sailing in that storm, where I was really terrified, I had to keep moving forward in order to save the boat and my life.
Sometimes we have to feel the fear, the anxiety, the anger or sadness and do what we have to do, just because we have to!
I want you to consider that one way or the other you’ll be making choices about your career. What choices will you make based on worry, fear and anxiety? What choices will you make based on confidence, courage and clarity of intention? Which of these choices will move you in the direction you want to go? Are there choices that can have you move at a speed that supports momentum yet doesn’t feel too risky? In a sense, do you require a bit of both/and, meaning moving forward while maintaining a safe speed toward your destination – that which you say you want?
Last week I talked about faith, which needs to be practiced whatever it is we are having to be with. Every time we move out onto the edge of our comfort zone we have to practice faith, we have to be with the “I don’t know how to do this” experience over and over again. As long as we are moving into our desires, wants and our needs we’ll have to be edging ourselves out, expanding our comfort zone. The outcome of this practice is that life gets easier to be with, so does change and transformation?
We can’t help but be anxious about uncertainty. And, at the same time we can begin to see that uncertainty is all there is. In doing so, we can then come to a place of acceptance about uncertainty; perhaps grieve the loss of what we thought was certain, and learn to be more at peace with what is. This is big work, Sharon, but I’m pretty sure it’s part of what all of us, and I do mean all of us, need to accept.
So many areas of the world are war-torn, poverty stricken, full of disease and death. The certainty of affluence that you and I have known here in North America has been a gift. I’m not sure that it is a right, as we’ve come to believe. I can practice gratitude for all that I’ve been provided and at the same time, begin to cultivate ways of being with uncertainty that allows me serenity and peace.
Here are a couple of things to do in support of this process. First, create a business plan. Start with the intentions of this business; this includes: What is your vision for this business, what is it here to serve? Write down all the intentions you have. Then, write down the various ways to serve these intentions. Also create a timeline of when you will put these ways into practice. Create a financial plan for yourself – how much money do you need to run your business, how much money to you want to be making as a profit. Consider how much money you’ll need to support you while you are birthing and growing your business. Keep it simple enough that you can take the steps required to fulfill your intentions, yet not too big that you feel overwhelmed. Just pace yourself, and, as I always encourage, get a coach or a thinking partner to keep you on track.
Bottom line for living with uncertainty? Listen to your heart!
Blessings,
Rosie
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68
Dr. Rosie
June 18th, 2010
Money: from Distressing to De-stressing
Usha Asks:
Hello Dr. Rosie,
It feels nice to read these articles as I feel I’m not alone in pursuing dreams that are different from what I earlier set out for. Here’s my question: How can handling money be shifted from a distressing situation to a de-stressing one?
Regards,
Usha
From Dr. Rosie:
Dear Usha,
Thanks for your presence and your questions. You bring so much to this column with your sharing of what’s unfolding for you.
The easiest way to shift handling money from distressing to de-stressing is to shift how you think about money and then create new actions in alignment with these new thoughts. Here are some examples of what many of us think in regard to money:Money is hard to come by; You have to work really hard for money; Money is the root of all evil; I can’t have money if I’m spiritual; People who have money are unkind – I don’t want to be like them; If I make more money than my dad it will make him look bad; As a woman, having money will make me independent and men don’t like independent women, so I don’t want to make money. These are just a small sample of what goes through our minds when we think about money. All of these statements are distressing, and none of them are true – we just made them up!
Now, with these thoughts come particular actions that support these thoughts. Actions are not just a doing, but can also be a thinking or a feeling or a body response. If I believe that money is hard to come by, I’m going to feel defeated, stressed and worry that I’ll never be able to work hard enough to make enough. If I judge all rich people to be selfish and unkind and I don’t want to be like them, I’m going to do things to sabotage having money. So, for each of the thoughts, beliefs and judgments we have about money we have a set of actions, feelings and thoughts that we use to support them. Change what you think and your actions will change effortlessly. That is De-stessing!
One more thing: If you are used to looking for and finding how your beliefs are true in the world, you have to change what you are looking for. A lot of people are making a lot of money. Some people make money effortlessly. Rich people are often philanthropists and aren’t selfish at all, and there are millions of women who are self-sufficient, independent and enjoy a wonderful relationship with their partners. Notice where you put your attention and focus on what you want to see as true. It’s a wonderful experience to make true what you believe!
All of this is not new! It’s very easy to enter into this as a practice and it can be very challenging to continue because of our thinking that it should all change instantly! You see? My thinking that it should change instantly is going to set up some expectations and I’m going to start anticipating the money rolling in. And, if it doesn’t, then what am I going to think? I’ll probably begin thinking: I’m not good enough; I’m not doing it right; There’s something wrong with me, etc. With this thinking, then, I start feeling frustrated, depressed, sad, hopeless, anxious, angry, etc. Then, I’m right back where I started.
About three month ago I started a 30 Days to Prosperity program. In the very first day I got the biggest lesson of the whole process. As I was setting up my little workbook I started getting excited about having such incredible abundance raining down upon me. It was fun to think about it and to feel the relief of having all the money I could possible want and all the freedom money could buy me. Then, this little voice came in and said “What if that money doesn’t come raining down? What if not one darn thing changes; then what? This thought became distressing and I found myself wanting to stop the program right there and then. But, I realized that it was really important for me to answer that question: What if the money doesn’t come? What do I have it mean about me if it doesn’t happen? Sitting with my fear and sadness the answer came. The belief underlying so much of my way of being in this world is this: If the money doesn’t come, that means God really doesn’t love me. And, if that’s really true, what am I going to do with that?
Here I am a spiritual teacher and coach, someone who has been on a spiritual path for at least 30 years. I never knew that this little thought was way down inside of me. It has kept me in a constant state of fear and from allowing myself an abundance of prosperity. If I never try to making a lot of money I never have to find out what’s true. So, as good as I am at the work I do, and as much money as I do make, I came to find out that I’m still holding back so I don’t have to find out if God really loves me. How distressing is that?
As grown up as I am, I know that I am loved by God and the Universe. That’s what’s true for me! So, I can now become mindful and start noticing all the ways I hold back or sabotage myself from having financial abundance rain down on me, and, I can let go of my worry about whether I’m loved by God – this is a something I made up when I was just a kid. It doesn’t make sense to keep following this belief as a grown-up.
So, Usha, begin by listing all the things you believe about money, all the thoughts, expectations, assumptions and judgments you have. All of them!!! Then write down all of the actions to take based on your thoughts. Notice which ones work in your favor and are actually de-stressing and which ones are distressing. Decide for yourself which ones you will practice more often and which ones you will let go of – just as a practice. Just notice what shows up – just like I did. Be with yourself – with your feeling and thoughts in a compassionate way. Notice when you want to judge yourself or others, than ask if this supports being de-stressed or distressed? You have the power to choose!
I have written a whole chapter about this in Self-Empowerment 101, with an exercise that will take you through this process, thoroughly. With or without the book, though you have to be willing to practice creating positive thoughts about money and then create actions and strategies to support them.
Have fun!