Ask Dr. Rosie
September 10th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: J is for Judgment
Probably the single most damaging undertaking is the practice of judging ourselves. We judge ourselves, we project how others might judge us as well we judge others in relation to our own self-judgments. You can imagine how much energy this takes moving throughout the day.
In my previous writing I shared how you have set intentions about how your day will unfold before you’ve opened your eyes. That’s because you have set judgments about yourself, life, jobs, money … you’ve set judgments about everything and anything. These judgments take the form of assessments, assumptions, expectations, beliefs and interpretations, and before your feet hit the floor you are operating based on what you’ve already decided will be happening for the rest of the day and how that influences the rest of your life.
In your work environment, suspending judgments begins by flexing muscles that cultivate conscious choice-making regarding who you be and how you be in whatever role you play.
A client of mine, Chuck, works in the marketing department of a Fortune 100 company. At 47 years of age, he’s at a point in his career where he is rethinking what it is he is wanting to do for the next 20 years. Should he stay in corporate work and move up into a director position; leave Los Angeles and move back East to be closer to his aging parents – he carries a worry that if he doesn’t move back now he might regret it in the future; or should he go into a field that he is passionate about. He wanted a session with me in hopes that I could help him figure it out.
Chuck does a good deal of comparing – how he measures up to others around him. He begins to think he should be more like Candice who is strategic, smart, innovative and develops relationships effortlessly. He begins to slump in his chair as he describes Candice’s attributes. In many ways, Chuck is very accomplished and has had an exceptional life; however he continually carries an extraordinary list around in his head of what he should be and how he should be. He has little idea what he really wants for himself in relation to his career because every want is followed by a “Yes, but, I should be …”
Within our session, Chuck began to observe the degree to which he automatically assesses his actions by projecting an assumed reaction from his colleagues. He doesn’t really know what their judgments are, but they influence him none-the-less. He’s judging himself based on some preconceived interpretation about how he thinks he measures up or should measure up. Again, this is exhausting. And, Chuck is not alone. Millions of us are continually assessing and judging ourselves and others and we have little idea that we are doing it.
Bringing shifts and changes into business begins with you. It starts with you cultivating awareness about how you be who you be and by noticing your judgments about yourself and those with whom you share your day, be it your boss, direct reports, customers and clients. It begins with acknowledging this automatic response and then getting curious about where those judgments and interpretations come from. That curiosity will begin to allow you to expand your awareness and wonder how you came to choose what has become so automatic.
What’s the Alternative to Judging?
We will always judge, compare, assess and interpret. These are essential and valuable tools in distinguishing and discerning what works for us and what doesn’t work for us. However, because they are used primarily unconsciously they create more harm than healing. We don’t have to stop judging, but it may be helpful to suspend it long enough to notice the value that judging brings.
If you are wanting to bring change into the workplace, or if you just want to cultivate awareness in yourself, what is it that you want to practice in relation to judging, expecting, interpreting and assuming?
Notice when you judge something as right, wrong, good or bad; notice where something or someone is too slow, too fast, not enough or too much and needs to change. This also goes for noting these thoughts about you. The object of this practice is just to notice. You’ll notice too that you’ll begin to judge yourself and what you notice, saying “yes, but, I am right, or they are wrong.” What’s the point?
What does judging and assessing as a practice do for you? How does this empower you? Does it allow you to create change in relation to yourself and your environment? Does it allow you to feel righteous and better than, and if so, how does this impact on the reality you are wanting to create for yourself?
Coming back to Chuck for a moment: Chuck recognized that he was afraid of being judged and through his continuous judgment of his work environment he always played it safe, staying within what he assessed as appropriate. And up until our session he hadn’t realized that this practice of judging and assessing is what keeps him from getting promoted to a more senior position, where he would have to lead in ways that would be innovated and may be perceived as risky. He is now at a choice-point where he can choose with awareness, what he wants and what he is willing to practice to support that outcome.
The automatic thinking that we do always consists of judgments. Just bringing awareness to our judgments allows us to be curious about just how true they really are. This allows us to choose differently if it serves us to do so. Enjoy the exploration!
Dr. Rosie
May 16th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: E is for Empowerment, Engage and Essence
My experience with life in any business environment is, that these three words empowerment, essence and engage, are the most powerful. They support and enhance personal and professional growth for both you and the business within which you are employed. The degree to which you are engaged with your work and your environment from an empowered perspective is the degree to which you will experience fulfillment and healthy dynamics within the workplace.
In my initial interviews with clients, regardless of their position, I ask: “What are you afraid people are going to find out or decide about you?” In quick order, even top executives will share aspects of their humanity that they are afraid will be found out. They’ll say something like “I’m afraid people will find out that I’m a fraud, that I’m unworthy of my current position; I don’t know as much as people think I know; I’m barely able to cope with the responsibilities I have; I sometimes doubt my capacity to do my job effectively. The list is endless as each of us has our own unique set of truths about ourselves that we want to keep secret.
The next question I ask “What do you do so people don’t find out that you are a (in this case) a fraud, unworthy of your position and the responsibility that comes with it?”
The answers to this question reflect a set of survival strategies, which over time become unconscious mechanisms that in a nutshell we call our personality or our ego. As you can see, our ego is fueled by fear-based precepts that have you believe that you flawed and have to act and be in certain ways in order to avoid being found out. Being found out, for most of us translates into being rejected, humiliated or annihilated.
It takes an incredible amount of effort for our ego’s radar system to constantly be on the lookout for potential slips that could incur being found out.
Imagine the amount of attention you put towards this protective process I call your survival mechanism. It’s much like your computer that is set up with a virus detecting software. It has to be on alert 24/7. In the case of us humans, though we are alert for not only what might be coming in, but more importantly what we might be putting out.
In the business environment too many of us are working and being from our egoic self. What else is there, you might ask?
Imagine if you will, a moment in your life when you are not operating from your fear-based strategies. What’s that like in your body? What’s the quality of the experience you are imagining yourself in? Sometimes it’s challenging for people to remember a time because it’s rare for them to not be stressed, fearful and on alert. However, most people will eventually remember a time or at least begin to sense into what it might be like. When they do they describe the qualities of being in that moment as, light, relaxed, free, creative, playful, fearless, engaged, connecting, open, flexible. This list too is endless as there are so many adjectives to describe this state of being without fear. We know this place; we just don’t visit it often enough.
The fourth question I ask my client is: “What would shift in your relationship to your work and your work environment if you were to coming from freedom, creative, relaxed, . . . instead of stressed, overwhelmed, intimidated, . .? The answers always astound the person answering. “I’d be more accessible to my direct reports, I’d be more engaged in their projects; I’d be less controlling and would delegate more easily. I’d be more fun to be around and I’d support people in being innovative. I wouldn’t be so stressed; I’d also be more willing to leave the office earlier, spending more time with family, friends and myself.
Wow! So by imagining being in a state that is not fear-based all sorts of possibilities show up that may have seemed otherwise impossible.
Once an individual is aware that they actually can choose to choose differently in how to be who they want to be in their work environment they then can begin to exercise muscles that will help them generate from this newfound freedom, fun and flexibility.
You would think that once experienced and revelation has occurred that people would actually empower themselves to choose to begin the process of shifting from fear-based choice-making to what I call essence-based choice-making. This brings us back to that essential dilemma of wanting what is desirable, at the same time wanting to avoid what is undesirable. For those committed to bringing spirituality into business there is will be the conflicting commitment of wanting to avoid repercussions. Again, those four basic questions need to be asked: “What are you afraid people will find out or decide about you; what do you do in order to have them not find that out; what qualities arise when you remember your vision of having the desired outcome; an lastly what would shift if you were to be that now? What choices would you make and what actions would you take in alignment with that choice?
This line of questioning consistently brings the individual in direct alignment with their essence of being, and empowers them to engage in actions that will bring about the desired outcome.
I totally understand how terrifying it is to consider being in your essence, especially in the workplace. Rarely are we seen or acknowledged for our essence-self. However, we are not our survival strategies, they change as our circumstances change; we are not our ego either. If that were true we would never ever experience those moments when we know ourselves beyond or fear and limitations. It doesn’t make it any less scary.
This brings me back to my original introduction when I defined spirituality as the practice of faith-leaping; exercising muscles that allow you to consider the possibility of shifting from the perspective that life is scary, to, life is a daring adventure or it is nothing – as Helen Keller said. Engaging with your life as a daring adventure requires thoughtful presence to what it is you’ve come here to do and to be.
At some point you will realize you don’t have a choice but to begin to get those muscles in shape. It isn’t a matter of if, it is a matter of when you’ll empower yourself to engage in living into your essence of being and living your life totally on purpose.
Dr. Rosie
September 23rd, 2010
While in the Midst of a Leap of Faith – There are no Pit Stops!
From: Maureen M. Boston, MA
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I so appreciate your articles. They are very grounding and make me feel more normal, even when I’m panicking and unsure that I’m doing the right thing. My life is topsy-turvy right now. I’m leaving a two year relationship, I’m moving away from family and friends on a quest to find myself and the work I want to do. People say I’m crazy but I really feel like this is what I’m supposed to be doing. I know I won’t be homeless or destitute, but I don’t know much else. Is there a right way to do what I’m doing or do I just have to jump?
Thanks,
Maureen
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Dear Maureen,
Thanks for your courage and the willingness to follow your calling. You are not alone! What I mean is that, anyone, or everyone pursuing their dreams, their calling and their inspirations are on the edge of their comfort zone. The willingness to practice even just expanding your comfort zone or pushing the edge just a fraction of an inch can feel death-defying; it can feel as though you are jumping, leaping or maybe even falling off a cliff. And, the fact of the matter is you’ve done this hundreds of times in your life already – that’s how you’ve gotten this far out – to this edge of your comfort zone.
Think about all of the times you’ve taken risks, not knowing if you were going to come out okay on the other side. Perhaps learning to drive a car; learning to snow ski down a hillside; asking someone out on a date, applying for a job or to a school. Maybe you’ve faced illness or loss. There are so many ways you’ve been pushing the edge of your comfort zone. Tell me, what muscles have you been building through all of these practices that has brought you to this new adventure?
Faith-Leaping Muscles
Obviously, the muscles you’ve been building, Maureen aren’t the physical muscles that have you run your fastest and jump your highest. Rarely do we witness people in the act of their leap-of-faith; though, it would be wonderful to see people leaping all over the world, wouldn’t it? It would certainly make it less frightening and more normal see all of the ways people are launching themselves into their dreams and their callings. For now we just have to accept that everyone around us is on their own trajectory, on their own path to who knows where!
Let’s look at what you are attempting – this Faith leaping. What does that mean? It means that you are stepping out beyond your reason and logic and stepping into a knowing – even though you don’t know how you know what you know, you still know. If you look at all of the incredible, even miraculous inventions on this planet you’d have to surmise that the inventors had to step out beyond logic and reason to come up with their ideas. Somehow they had a knowing that what they imagined could be realized. They took the leap and. . . .TA-DA!!!!
A couple of year ago I felt a calling to end the Transformational Coaching Training program I created and have been facilitating for almost ten years. It was a really important source of my income, but I kept sensing that I’m supposed to work with people and organizations who have more at stake – whatever that means. It’s taken me another two years to wrap things up. The program has ended in its current form and I have no idea what’s next. So, here I am – launched! I am in the midst of my own leap of faith. At times I feel crazy and stupid, panicked and terrified. I may lose everything! And, the question arises – what have I got to lose?
While sitting in a bathroom cubicle – one of my more favorite places to contemplate, I was considering the option of perhaps taking a teaching position at a University until I knew what it was that I was supposed to be doing with the rest of my life. Then, I saw this image of me, leaping through the air. I have no idea how long I will be in mid-air and I have no idea where I will land, so the thought of taking a detour became an option. I imagined a pit stop along the way of my leap of faith, and it made me laugh. There are no pit stops on a leap of faith! I’ve got to follow my calling; I’ve got to see this through to this end. I love the humor of the Universe, don’t you?
Though following your calling, Maureen can look and feel as if you are insane, what I know is that so many of our religious and spiritual traditions are filled with texts and scriptures that encourage following our hearts, our courage and our faith. One of the more famous scriptures is this one:
And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith. And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of a mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:5-6
Rarely do I site scripture, but the idea that we only need faith the size of a mustard seed to fulfill our calling provides an image that makes it that much easier to nudge the edge of my comfort zone just that much further.
Enjoy the adventure, Maureen. And fully explore all the ways you are using those faith-leaping muscles, because, rest-assured, there are many more wonderful adventures to come.
Dr. Rosie
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68
Dr. Rosie
August 19th, 2010
Living Without a Doubt
From Patricia P. Dublin, Ireland.
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’ve been reading your column for the past couple of months and so appreciate the depth you bring through your words. Thank you!!!!
I’m losing my job at the end of September. My husband is still working but I’m so afraid there won’t be enough money to keeps things going while I find other work. I sometimes collapse under the anxiety and worry. How will this all turn out? How can I live with so much duress? It’s funny too, that I’ve lost my self-confidence. I just don’t believe that it’s all going to be okay. What do I do?
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Dear Patricia,
First of all let me say that it can feel scary going through what you are going through; the uncertainty, the not knowing, the doubt that it will turn out just fine. Whenever we come up against beginnings or endings it makes sense that fear will be close by; however, it doesn’t mean that there is a need to be troubled or worried. It just means that it feels scary.
So, how do you be with this uncertainty, this doubt without allowing it to drain you of every shred of capability and confidence you have?
The current paradigm we live in has us swimming in a pool of fear and dread. Few places on this planet are free from the anxiety of not knowing how it’s all going to turn out. There are pockets of people who do live in faith. They are the lucky ones. Well, let’s use more empowering terms. They’ve strengthened the muscles of faith and living without a doubt. They gladly give their problems over to a higher power. How did they do this? Good Questions. They decided that living in fear didn’t work for them, so they chose to take a leap out of a belief system that wasn’t working for them to one that supported them. How did they do that? It’s easy and at the same time not so easy.
Believe it or not, we’ve each created the reality we live in out of thin air. Most of us created a reality that was in synch with everyone around us. So if everyone around me believes that we should all be afraid, that we are all powerless, my own personal reality will most likely take on that belief too. At the same time, we have options, which can bring us to being empowered and to creating greater possibility, peace and potential.
What Good is Faith if it is Never Practiced?
My husband, Todd Zimmerman, asked this question of our trainees in one of our transformational coach training sessions. He got people’s attention. What good is faith if it is never practiced? We are talking about our personal faith, the allowing of ourselves to surrender powerlessness to some greater power; some people call this greater power God, Yahweh, Universal Consciousness, or it could be many deities that one turns their worries to. It doesn’t matter to me, it is what you choose to be your higher power.
Cultivating faith has been the most significant practices of my life. Allowing myself to turn my situation over to the Universe, which is my higher power, requires me to trust that it will be taken care of in the best possible way. It means I have to practice letting to and living without a doubt. This is a big practice. It brings up all the times when life didn’t go the way I wanted it to; it means struggling with relinquishing my will. I bet you are asking why would I want to surrender and relinquish my will.
Quite often my willfulness was attached to having things go my way, whether it was harmful for me or others – it didn’t matter. There were, and still are times when I’m not able to make a difference in my situation. Like you, Patricia, I found myself feeling hopeless and powerless. Todd’s question made me curious about faith, what it is and how to use it. As I write to you now I get the enormity of just being with the whole concept of faith, especially personal faith. Even though I’ve had years of practice in turning my will over to a higher power, it isn’t always easy and it isn’t always fun. So, suggesting this practice to you has me question – how does one even begin.
I grew up in the Catholic Church. The requirement of “believing in God or you’ll go to hell,” was not the same as choosing to practice believing. As children, how do we make believe? We imagine! We envision ourselves in different scenarios and play them out to the hilt. We do this all the time, and too often it is unconscious. I want my clients to choose to choose the beliefs that work for them and live into them without a doubt.
All of us, Patricia make believe and we make beliefs. We choose to see the world around us in a way that can make us afraid, angry, anxious, worried, or happy, relaxed, content, courageous – do you see what I mean? Each of us gets to choose, without a doubt, what is true for us. I can choose to believe that my life is going to be amazingly fun and prosperous, and practice living without a doubt. That means that when doubts arise, which they will, I choose in that moment what to do with them. I assess whether there is evidence of truth to that doubt. I then am at choice as to how to be with that doubt. Can I allow that doubt to lead me to further faith, as opposed to fear? That’s a big practice.
So many of us are in this question right now – what makes sense to believe in, where do I put my trust and faith? You get to choose. If what you’ve tried isn’t working for you, try practicing something you haven’t tried yet, such as living in faith. From this faith, what do you want to do? What do you want to make happen? Who do you want to be? In this moment, you get to choose how you want to create the rest of your life. Enjoy your exploration and the practice of living without a doubt!
It’s really important to have support around you. There are spiritual guides and coaches who are prepared to support you through your journey.
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68