Ask Dr. Rosie
September 1st, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: I is for Inspiration, Intention and, Integrity
By the time you’ve opened your little peepers in the morning you’ve most likely set your intentions for the day. This happens automatically for most of us. There are the normal patterns that we engage in to prepare for the day ahead, then follow through until tucked back in bed ready for a good night’s rest. What would shift if we became intentional about creating our day? What would we intend to happen? How would we intend to be that would allow our day to unfold?
People make extraordinary leaps of faith, creating because they were inspired to do so. Inspiration leads to intentions, which leads to acting with integrity. All three are essential yet it is integrity that gets the job done.
You are a rare individual who considers the possibility of creating a paradigm shift in the work place; one that would allow kindness, compassion and true collaboration to inundate the ranks of the stressed, overwhelmed and unfulfilled. What arouses such an undertaking in you? In my mind it has to involve inspiration.
That quality of being inspired – we know all know what it feels like, and we spend thousands of dollars for motivational speakers to come in and inspire us to – to do what? We read books and watch movies with the intention to facilitate the experience of feeling inspired. Too often, though that inspiration doesn’t last more than a couple of hours and we are back to our normal routine. We know the experience and we know how to cultivate it, Integrity is also a quality of being. We all know what it feels like too.
Our somatic or physical response to the world is the tell-all of our reality. If you want to know what’s true for you, go to the source—your body—it never lies. What does inspiration feel like to you? What is it that has that experience move you to take action? We don’t think much about this, though it is a huge factor in our lives.
Inspiration starts with a sensation of giddiness and excitement in my chest. I feel exhilarated and want to do something to support and nourish this feeling of being swept up. It’s different than anxiousness, which generally has a good dose of fear added. I also feel an impulse to move, to do something that fulfills these sensations. It’s like I’m being asked for something I know I can fulfill.
How does an idea become manifested? Action has to be taken and initially this can feel energizing and fun. Slowly though we lose touch with our original inspiration. With time and distractions we forget what we wanted or why we wanted it. Generally speaking, as we move towards what we want, something in us gets threatened and that stops us in our tracks. We need something more – we need to exercise muscles of integrity. Integrity tells us that we have intentions to manifest our vision and it’s critical to our well-being that we follow through to the very end. This all happens within our bodies. These bodily sensations continually influence us, yet rarely do we pay them the attention they deserve.
The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions
The experience of intention can be very uncomfortable for people. For some, anxiety, nervousness and vulnerability ride shotgun. For others, excitement, anticipation and expectancy are present. What creates these different responses to the experience of intention? The vulnerability of wanting is embedded in our bodies, as are the memories of disappointment. The level of significance we give to what we want influences our willingness to set intentions to make it happen. More people than you can imagine have given up being their intention, not because it’s part of their spiritual practice, but because they decided long ago that it wasn’t safe to want, and most likely they weren’t going to get it, so they stopped being intentional. They wake up in the morning, yet remain asleep to their hearts desire.
The practice of setting intentions to create action and follow through in support of our intentions, while at the same time not being attached to the wanting or the outcome, is essential and challenging. Living in the moment and practicing these steps strengthens character and gives us courage to live into the unknown. It cultivates wisdom and confidence to be with whatever shows up. This too seems very challenging at first. But like everything else, practice brings about the expansion of capability and ease of being with what use to feel uncomfortable, vulnerable and impossible. Either it is enough to take us over the edge of our hopes and fears, into the life we imagine, or it’s not. The only way to do this is by investigating this territory. We have to take the leap.
Inspiration, Intention and Integrity as Tools
On all levels of being, from the current circumstances to the domain of Universal Oneness, we have specific intentions. Without these we would not survive for we would lack even the desire to hope or want life itself. To see inspiration, intention and integrity as tools we can effectively change our relationship to that which generates the unfolding of life itself. As the paradigm shifts, each of us will willingly participate in the expansion of consciousness, thrilled to witness the fulfillment of potential far more magnificent than imaginable. It is definitely worth the price of admission.
Dr. Rosie
May 16th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: E is for Empowerment, Engage and Essence
My experience with life in any business environment is, that these three words empowerment, essence and engage, are the most powerful. They support and enhance personal and professional growth for both you and the business within which you are employed. The degree to which you are engaged with your work and your environment from an empowered perspective is the degree to which you will experience fulfillment and healthy dynamics within the workplace.
In my initial interviews with clients, regardless of their position, I ask: “What are you afraid people are going to find out or decide about you?” In quick order, even top executives will share aspects of their humanity that they are afraid will be found out. They’ll say something like “I’m afraid people will find out that I’m a fraud, that I’m unworthy of my current position; I don’t know as much as people think I know; I’m barely able to cope with the responsibilities I have; I sometimes doubt my capacity to do my job effectively. The list is endless as each of us has our own unique set of truths about ourselves that we want to keep secret.
The next question I ask “What do you do so people don’t find out that you are a (in this case) a fraud, unworthy of your position and the responsibility that comes with it?”
The answers to this question reflect a set of survival strategies, which over time become unconscious mechanisms that in a nutshell we call our personality or our ego. As you can see, our ego is fueled by fear-based precepts that have you believe that you flawed and have to act and be in certain ways in order to avoid being found out. Being found out, for most of us translates into being rejected, humiliated or annihilated.
It takes an incredible amount of effort for our ego’s radar system to constantly be on the lookout for potential slips that could incur being found out.
Imagine the amount of attention you put towards this protective process I call your survival mechanism. It’s much like your computer that is set up with a virus detecting software. It has to be on alert 24/7. In the case of us humans, though we are alert for not only what might be coming in, but more importantly what we might be putting out.
In the business environment too many of us are working and being from our egoic self. What else is there, you might ask?
Imagine if you will, a moment in your life when you are not operating from your fear-based strategies. What’s that like in your body? What’s the quality of the experience you are imagining yourself in? Sometimes it’s challenging for people to remember a time because it’s rare for them to not be stressed, fearful and on alert. However, most people will eventually remember a time or at least begin to sense into what it might be like. When they do they describe the qualities of being in that moment as, light, relaxed, free, creative, playful, fearless, engaged, connecting, open, flexible. This list too is endless as there are so many adjectives to describe this state of being without fear. We know this place; we just don’t visit it often enough.
The fourth question I ask my client is: “What would shift in your relationship to your work and your work environment if you were to coming from freedom, creative, relaxed, . . . instead of stressed, overwhelmed, intimidated, . .? The answers always astound the person answering. “I’d be more accessible to my direct reports, I’d be more engaged in their projects; I’d be less controlling and would delegate more easily. I’d be more fun to be around and I’d support people in being innovative. I wouldn’t be so stressed; I’d also be more willing to leave the office earlier, spending more time with family, friends and myself.
Wow! So by imagining being in a state that is not fear-based all sorts of possibilities show up that may have seemed otherwise impossible.
Once an individual is aware that they actually can choose to choose differently in how to be who they want to be in their work environment they then can begin to exercise muscles that will help them generate from this newfound freedom, fun and flexibility.
You would think that once experienced and revelation has occurred that people would actually empower themselves to choose to begin the process of shifting from fear-based choice-making to what I call essence-based choice-making. This brings us back to that essential dilemma of wanting what is desirable, at the same time wanting to avoid what is undesirable. For those committed to bringing spirituality into business there is will be the conflicting commitment of wanting to avoid repercussions. Again, those four basic questions need to be asked: “What are you afraid people will find out or decide about you; what do you do in order to have them not find that out; what qualities arise when you remember your vision of having the desired outcome; an lastly what would shift if you were to be that now? What choices would you make and what actions would you take in alignment with that choice?
This line of questioning consistently brings the individual in direct alignment with their essence of being, and empowers them to engage in actions that will bring about the desired outcome.
I totally understand how terrifying it is to consider being in your essence, especially in the workplace. Rarely are we seen or acknowledged for our essence-self. However, we are not our survival strategies, they change as our circumstances change; we are not our ego either. If that were true we would never ever experience those moments when we know ourselves beyond or fear and limitations. It doesn’t make it any less scary.
This brings me back to my original introduction when I defined spirituality as the practice of faith-leaping; exercising muscles that allow you to consider the possibility of shifting from the perspective that life is scary, to, life is a daring adventure or it is nothing – as Helen Keller said. Engaging with your life as a daring adventure requires thoughtful presence to what it is you’ve come here to do and to be.
At some point you will realize you don’t have a choice but to begin to get those muscles in shape. It isn’t a matter of if, it is a matter of when you’ll empower yourself to engage in living into your essence of being and living your life totally on purpose.
Dr. Rosie
November 1st, 2010
Ask Dr. Rosie: Leadership and Loving Kindness
From: Karen, Montgomery, Alabama
Dear Dr. Rosie
I work as an HR person in a medium sized company here in Montgomery. I love my work because I get to use coaching skills to not only empower employees’ productivity but also create an environment that is fun and highly effective.
Lately, though, the employees have been bringing me more challenging issues. I’m having to intervene in a way that feels forceful and imposing rather than my more usual style of empowering them through inquiry to take actions on their own behalf. Because there’s potential for harming themselves or being harmed by someone else I have to step in, in a way that I don’t like. I’m having to tell them what to do and make sure they follow through. I don’t like this way of working but it seems to be what I’m having to do right now. What do you make of this?
Thanks for your blogs. I always find them insightful.
Karen
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From Dr. Rosie
Dear Karen,
What you are describing is an interesting phenomenon for people who work with people. Quite often the people we serve and their circumstances provide a growing edge for us as service providers. Sometimes the growing pains of our work may be more uncomfortable than we want, but it’s important work none the less.
I’m a big fan of Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence and of David Hawkins’ work on power vs. force. Both of these men are talking about the foundational emotional capacity to relate to ourselves, to others and to the world in a way that enhances our ability to act with integrity, authenticity and in service to the highest good of all involved. They are shedding light on the importance of cultivating better relationships with our emotional selves in order to empower others to do the same. I suspect that there may be an important learning opportunity here for you, that if not for your employees, you may try to side-step and avoid.
I guess the question I have for you, Karen, is what is it that makes you want to work the way you do? Generally speaking we move towards what we desire and avoid what we condiser to be undesirable. What would you say is undesirable that you are wanting to avoid that is showing up for you now? This question always provides great grist for the mill.
The majority of my supervision sessions with coaches generally have to do with these learning edges where the coach is getting confronted with their own resistance to being different as a coach. Here is one particular issues that arises for all of us:
The Golden Rule says: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. To really live into this rule requires the cultivation of compassion and kindness. Well, for many of us who grew up in families where there wasn’t compassion and kindness, in fact there may have been abuse and neglect to some degree; we created a different Golden Rule: Don’t do unto others what has been done unto you.
In Self-Empowerment 101, I speak about our relationship to power and how to allow ourselves to use our personal power in the highest good of ourselves and everyone. If, as a child, I witnessed people using their power for personal or professional gain and they harmed others, especially or me, I may have decided to never use my power to perpetrate harm or pain on others. I will never do unto others what has been done to me.
Many of us in the helping profession come from backgrounds that led us to decide to use our power in what we consider to be loving and kind ways, however, we may be missing an important interpretation of loving and kind that could actually not be helping at all. We may be enabling others to be less then accountable and responsible for their behaviors. We may be supporting and even encouraging behavior that may be harmful to themselves and others.
I hate pulling rank on people. I hate using force of any kind, however sometimes I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. It’s that choice-point, which may require tough love.
When sitting with a client in session, I ask myself if my actions are for personal or professional gain, or are they in the best interest of my client? This is the question to ask yourself. And likewise, if you are not using your power to empower accountability and responsibility in your clients for their actions – what is that serving in you? In a sense, when you are not requiring accountability and integrity of your employees; that’s serving something in you and is not in the best interest of anyone. Do you get what I’m saying?
This is tough love, for ourselves, our client’s and our employees. And if we don’t discipline ourselves to be tough when tough is required we aren’t doing our jobs. This goes for every role we play – as friends, parents and community members.
When faced with a similar issue, Karen, I was angry that I had to be forceful, yet I knew I had to be, otherwise harm would come to my client, through their own actions or someone else’s. I had to tell myself that my use of assertiveness and forcefulness was required of me in service to my client’s well-being. I checked in with myself numerous times to ensure I wasn’t perpetrating harm for my own personal or professional gain.
If we are always using our power to avoid perpetrating harm we may be avoiding an important reality – one we can’t avoid; and that is that people won’t always like us, they won’t like our perspectives or our actions. We have to shift our interpretation about the perpetration of harm so that we have the capacity to act in our own highest good and the highest good of others, even if they don’t like it. This isn’t always easy to discern but again, if we are clear about our role and what’s required of us in service to that which we are in service to we can act more in alignment with our own accountability and integrity.
Join me for a Webinar: What is Transformational Coaching, Thursday Nov. 4, 7:30pm, pst:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=165152753514394
Dr. Rosie
October 12th, 2010
Ask Dr. Rosie: The Constraints of No Boundaries
It’s not uncommon for children to grow up not knowing their own beautiful thoughts and feelings and their essential needs and wants. You might be asking “How can that be?” Well, it’s one of the ravages of families and the individuals inside them. They are at war with themselves with no one to mediate a peace treaty.
In some ways we have no choice in the matter when it comes to which family we arrive into as infants. I don’t know a single soul who asked to be born into violence, depression, poverty and sickness. But here we are, thousands of years of cultivating intelligence within societies and cultures and we still have children arriving in families that just don’t know any better than to fight, implode, lack and ache.
So, I’m going out on a limb here and assume that many who are reading this know what I’m talking about. All of us are refugees of families to one degree or another. All of us struggle with who we are as individuals in relation to the world around us. All of us are persons in exile, either from family and friends, and quite often from ourselves.
When, as children it comes to surviving, the majority of us choose to choose survival and belonging rather than choosing to be a lone wolf. Somewhere, somehow our little choice-maker whispers in our ears “don’t think that; don’t feel that; we don’t need that; and soon, we forgot that we could want!
“Just tell me what I’m supposed to want.” My client Andrea shares. “I don’t know how to know what I want. I think I want a relationship but when I get close to someone I get scared and want out! I don’t know – I just don’t know what I want.”
Andrea is a successful Lawyer in New York City. She’s very competent in every aspect of her life, except when it comes to personal relationships. How can that be?
Growing up in a family that looks as normal as any family in her community, Andrea’s grandmother would shame her when she came home with A’s. “What are you, some kind of a smarty-pants?” When Andrea came home with B’s, her grandmother would say “What are you, some kind of an idiot?” Whatever Andrea did she was made to feel guilty or shame for doing what she did and being who she was. Neither her mom nor her dad sheltered her emotionally from the barrage of insults. They each contributed in their own ways to Andrea’s dilemma of not knowing her own thoughts and feelings, wants or needs.
Andrea, like so many of us, gave up her self-respect and dignity for the sake of shelter and food, knowing that someday there would be freedom from all of this.
Enmeshment is the word used in Marriage and Family Therapy for the process of losing one’s self in support of family culture and for survival. Though I believe that early on, we do know that this doesn’t feel good, after awhile we forget and try to find hope and peace amongst the fragments of life that we’ve come to consider “normal.”
Enmeshment occurs not only in families, but in religions, corporations, and our educational institutions – anywhere and everywhere we are not allowed to know what we want or need, or what we think or feel. It occurs anywhere and everywhere we have to choose to silence our own thinking, our creativity, our sense of integrity and personal accountability. Is there any place that is safe?
This is really important, because it’s not like we can point our fingers at Daddy or Mommy or Grandma, for that matter. Each of us somehow plays a role in wanting people to want what we want, how we want it and when we want it. Any of us in a position of authority has the power to decide how we want others to respond to us. How we be with our authority and how we use our authority is the question at hand. None of us gets immunity for acts of unkindness that in the end burdens others with our unresolved anger, sorrow and fears.
In my studies, at first I was appalled with the concept of enmeshment. It meant that most families were just big balls of emotions, which no one could know about or talk about. But through my experience as a therapist it began to make perfect sense. Now as a transformational coach a great deal of my work is about empowering clients, like Andrea, to realize their own wants and desires and their own thoughts and feelings. What they are finding is that there is freedom that comes with making choices – choices that are in right-relationship with their own truths, not necessarily in alignment with the emotional needs of potential partners, co-workers, friends and most importantly those individuals who have authority over us. Like Andrea, they are learning to create boundaries based on what’s true for them. This can get really squirrelly for a lot of us who can see that maybe we want two opposing things at the same time. And, we want the sense of emotional clarity that comes when we’ve made the “right choice.” Looking to others to tell us if we’ve chosen correctly keeps up using childhood ways that really don’t work in a grown up world. Really – they don’t work!
For Andrea, she wants partnership, romance, security, connection and belonging. She also wants safety, freedom, independence and respect that who she is, is all she needs to be. At 49 years of age, she’s afraid she’ll never get it. My experience tells me that the more clear she becomes with who she is; the more clear she can speak up to those she’d made into authority figures (we do this a lot with our bosses, our partners, even with our children) the more freedom she will experience to create a relationship that includes all the good things that come from being able to speak her truth. We actually create better relationships with people when we can know our thoughts and feelings, know our needs and wants and speak authentically from this place of knowing. Isn’t this what we are all wanting?
It’s a fascinating juxtaposition that boundaries, made by free choice, create freedom. Who would have ever guessed?
Dr. Rosie
September 16th, 2010
As a Leader, Leave them with their Dignity
In my capacity as a leadership coach I’ve been working with Hank, an executive in a Fortune 500 company who has been embroiled in a dispute with a particular associate for the past few weeks. The associate, we’ll call him Tom, is somewhat passive and resistant. When he feels like working he’s on top of his game and works harder and longer than any one of his team members. However, when he doesn’t feel like working, he rationalizes and justifies for not fulfilling his agreements. The more he is pushed to fulfill the less he does.
Yesterday, Hank confronted Tom about the lack of progress he was making on a particular report that was long overdue. Such conversations are always frustrating and disappointing to Hank. He has an expectation, as we all do, that people say what they mean and mean what they say. When they don’t, and when Hank has to bring people to task, well, it makes him want to yell criticisms be sarcastic and darn right cruel! He doesn’t want to shame and guilt people with his comments; it just happens!
I spoke with Hank after the confrontation with Tom. “I expect grownups to act like grownups, especially when they have been hired to be responsible in highly significant ways. How am I supposed to talk to adults that act like adolescents? What am I suppose to expect?
Though Hank was angry, he and I had to figure out a way to move forward from here with bad feelings and distance still between Tom and himself. Hank explained: “I’ve been in partnerships with passive and resistant individuals before, and generally I’ve found myself in a stalemate. Ignoring the behavior doesn’t work, nor does attempting to control or manipulate – all of those ways of being that are disrespectful and degrading but seem to be the only way to get some action. I hate this part of my job!”
Then, there was a long pause. Hank was chewing on something in his mind. Then he said “I just heard these words inside my head: Always leave them with their dignity. What’s that suppose to mean?”
Hank began to share that he wasn’t raised with this philosophy; in fact his dad took liberty with his autocratic and dictatorial leadership style. He shamed and humiliated his children and rarely acknowledged them for a job well done. By the time Hank left home to go to college it was hard for him to imagine that he had anything to offer the world. The best he could hope for was to make it through college, get a job and not expect much more. “Fortunately, once I was out of reach of my dad I began to excel and here I am today. I still don’t feel great about myself but I do my work and people respect me. Maybe that’s as good as it gets.”
Choosing how to be a Leader
Regardless of education and training, my experience is that we choose our leadership styles primarily from the experience of being around those who were our leaders; most often our parents, teachers, ministers and coaches. The interpretations we choose based on our experiences have us decide how to be a leader and how to be with a leader.
As Hank considered meeting with Tom this morning, he and I rehearsed the conversation that was about to take place. Even though he and Tom came to an understanding in the confrontation the day before, Hank was resistant to let things be, let the waters be calm and return to his normal, friendly style of leading. There was a part of him that wanted to assert a position of, superiority, of righteousness, perhaps finding opportunities to make a comment or two that would shame Tom and make him feel bad – nothing too obvious, of course; just a little remark to let him know Hank wasn’t going to let him off the hook.
I was curious and questioned Hank’s motives for being less then compassionate. He shared that he sensed that there would be something he’d lose by not making a jab or two. As we talked, he imagined letting go of making these jabs and immediately felt the hurt and agony of being a child shamed and stripped of dignity by his father and his football coach. He was surprised that these emotions were underneath his more aggressive style with Tom. He also felt that the salve for this agony was to shame others, like Tom, just a little bit. “For some reason, this makes me feel more powerful and takes away the sadness. Why is that?”
Dignity is an essential and core quality of our humanity. It gives each of us a sense of being valuable to the world and to oneself, and without it we come to feel disheartened, demoralized and depressed. In Management, it’s not uncommon to unconsciously strip away other people’s dignity through comments that shame, ridicule or embarrass. Like Hank, by stripping away the dignity of others it perhaps salves the wounds of our own loss of dignity, if only for the moment.
As Hank was finding out for himself, if he truly wanted to be an empowering leader he needed to be willing to reveal to himself his own wounds. He would also come to see the choice-making process that occurred because of the woundings that suffered as a child. Hank remarked “I need to do this so as to choose differently. I want to practice being a leader in a way that empowers people and perhaps even add to their dignity. That feels really hard to do right now – eliminating the desire to pinch away people’s dignity. Man! I didn’t realize how things like this get passed on so unconsciously.”
Fifty Ways to Shame the Other
In a transformational course of training I facilitate, leaders are given opportunities to cultivate awareness of who they be and how they be in the role of leader. Through this process each leader comes to realize that too often their leadership style is based on some form of engagement that is disempowering as opposed to empowering. They realize that by letting go of a shame-based model of leadership their employees’ morale begins to rise; communication begins to open, which results in a more collaborative and effective environment.
Every day, there are hundreds of opportunities to empower and disempower others. Whether with our employees, partners, friends or children, every gesture or word is delivered with the intention to give or take away dignity. Think about it!
We are all capable of being disempowering and we are all capable of being empowering. I encourage you to notice how you choose to choose to be empowering or disempowering. Explore for yourself what it is like for you to be the recipient of leadership styles that feel disempowering to you; Explore with a coach or thinking partner what would support you in shifting so as to always leave your employees with their dignity.
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68