Ask Dr. Rosie
September 10th, 2011
As the Paradigm Shifts: J is for Judgment
Probably the single most damaging undertaking is the practice of judging ourselves. We judge ourselves, we project how others might judge us as well we judge others in relation to our own self-judgments. You can imagine how much energy this takes moving throughout the day.
In my previous writing I shared how you have set intentions about how your day will unfold before you’ve opened your eyes. That’s because you have set judgments about yourself, life, jobs, money … you’ve set judgments about everything and anything. These judgments take the form of assessments, assumptions, expectations, beliefs and interpretations, and before your feet hit the floor you are operating based on what you’ve already decided will be happening for the rest of the day and how that influences the rest of your life.
In your work environment, suspending judgments begins by flexing muscles that cultivate conscious choice-making regarding who you be and how you be in whatever role you play.
A client of mine, Chuck, works in the marketing department of a Fortune 100 company. At 47 years of age, he’s at a point in his career where he is rethinking what it is he is wanting to do for the next 20 years. Should he stay in corporate work and move up into a director position; leave Los Angeles and move back East to be closer to his aging parents – he carries a worry that if he doesn’t move back now he might regret it in the future; or should he go into a field that he is passionate about. He wanted a session with me in hopes that I could help him figure it out.
Chuck does a good deal of comparing – how he measures up to others around him. He begins to think he should be more like Candice who is strategic, smart, innovative and develops relationships effortlessly. He begins to slump in his chair as he describes Candice’s attributes. In many ways, Chuck is very accomplished and has had an exceptional life; however he continually carries an extraordinary list around in his head of what he should be and how he should be. He has little idea what he really wants for himself in relation to his career because every want is followed by a “Yes, but, I should be …”
Within our session, Chuck began to observe the degree to which he automatically assesses his actions by projecting an assumed reaction from his colleagues. He doesn’t really know what their judgments are, but they influence him none-the-less. He’s judging himself based on some preconceived interpretation about how he thinks he measures up or should measure up. Again, this is exhausting. And, Chuck is not alone. Millions of us are continually assessing and judging ourselves and others and we have little idea that we are doing it.
Bringing shifts and changes into business begins with you. It starts with you cultivating awareness about how you be who you be and by noticing your judgments about yourself and those with whom you share your day, be it your boss, direct reports, customers and clients. It begins with acknowledging this automatic response and then getting curious about where those judgments and interpretations come from. That curiosity will begin to allow you to expand your awareness and wonder how you came to choose what has become so automatic.
What’s the Alternative to Judging?
We will always judge, compare, assess and interpret. These are essential and valuable tools in distinguishing and discerning what works for us and what doesn’t work for us. However, because they are used primarily unconsciously they create more harm than healing. We don’t have to stop judging, but it may be helpful to suspend it long enough to notice the value that judging brings.
If you are wanting to bring change into the workplace, or if you just want to cultivate awareness in yourself, what is it that you want to practice in relation to judging, expecting, interpreting and assuming?
Notice when you judge something as right, wrong, good or bad; notice where something or someone is too slow, too fast, not enough or too much and needs to change. This also goes for noting these thoughts about you. The object of this practice is just to notice. You’ll notice too that you’ll begin to judge yourself and what you notice, saying “yes, but, I am right, or they are wrong.” What’s the point?
What does judging and assessing as a practice do for you? How does this empower you? Does it allow you to create change in relation to yourself and your environment? Does it allow you to feel righteous and better than, and if so, how does this impact on the reality you are wanting to create for yourself?
Coming back to Chuck for a moment: Chuck recognized that he was afraid of being judged and through his continuous judgment of his work environment he always played it safe, staying within what he assessed as appropriate. And up until our session he hadn’t realized that this practice of judging and assessing is what keeps him from getting promoted to a more senior position, where he would have to lead in ways that would be innovated and may be perceived as risky. He is now at a choice-point where he can choose with awareness, what he wants and what he is willing to practice to support that outcome.
The automatic thinking that we do always consists of judgments. Just bringing awareness to our judgments allows us to be curious about just how true they really are. This allows us to choose differently if it serves us to do so. Enjoy the exploration!
Dr. Rosie
January 20th, 2011
Ask Dr. Rosie: Anticipating the Vulnerability of Being Human
As some of you know I’ve just become a grandma as of last week. Not only that, I’ve also taken up winter residency in Niagara Falls, Ontario for the next month, supporting my daughter, her husband and sweet, little, baby Andrew. Though the birth of Andrew was expected and my visit to Niagara Falls planned, the birth took place three weeks earlier, which makes my stay in the Great White North much longer than I intended.
The temperature here has been consistently below freezing and it’s been snowing every day since my arrival. I’ve got my own clean, well-lit basement apartment within which to write, see clients and hang out while the new parents acclimate themselves to their roles as parent, which includes all the challenges of breastfeeding, fatigue and frustration that comes with finding their way.
For these new parents, they’ve anticipated the arrival of this baby and yet they never expected having a baby in the house to be as challenging as it is. Regardless of all the preparation, no one can prepare you for the adventure that lay ahead in the realm of parenting, grand parenting or life itself.
For me, I too anticipated this event and have been looking forward to mothering my daughter through this transition. But, I too was not prepared for how life would be different than anticipated. Having been away from the Niagara Region for over thirty years and an absentee mom for as many years has distanced me from a way of being that includes being available but not over-involved; helpful without enabling and being loving but not maudlin. To step off the plane and immerse myself into someone else’s reality – well, you have to be prepared to be unprepared for anything!
Expectations of what’s to come are based on assumptions, fantasies and interpretations of the context we are about to enter, which also includes our ability to think up worse case scenarios. We are never prepared for the reality of what is. We have to step across the threshold into the unknown and explore the situation with curiosity, fluidity and compassion for self and all those involved. It means transitioning from the known reality – just before I got off the plane in Buffalo to the unknown or the lesser known. It didn’t feel like such a big deal before the doors closed behind me on that airplane but hours later, finding myself in a different time zone, different weather and different social and cultural environment; well it takes a lot to acclimate and reorient myself to my new surroundings.
One client of mine, Shirley is also experiencing a transition process that she never anticipated. Though she chose to take the leap from her corporate, executive, high paying, high status position to what’s next, she wasn’t prepared for the reality that’s emerging in this moment, just beyond what she’d always known, which is: you can never prepare for the vulnerability that comes when you allow the full experience of going for what you want, or in Shirley’s case, creating a trajectory away from what she didn’t want.
The corporate environment Shirley landed herself in two years ago seemed like the perfect next step for her. Her brilliance, wisdom and experience set her up perfectly for the career choice she made. Days into this new position, however, Shirley realized that she’d made a big mistake. The environment and mindset of this particular corporation were not in alignment with her well-being, integrity, accountability and respect for the thousands of employees that worked for this company. Her expectations were dashed. She needed to regroup and choose how to be in her current circumstances without losing herself too much.
Blood pressure medication helped her cope physically with the emotional and psychological stresses that came with being in an environment that was juxtaposed to her well-being. Shirley was willing to endure the adversity of the situation for just so long. It was demoralizing to witness the annihilation of the human spirit of the employees she was there to serve. From her years of experience she knew it’s far too common for corporations to be more invested in their product and the bottom line then in the care and nurturing of their human resource. Take away the dignity of any individual in order to promote human doing and you destroy the essence of the human being, which will annihilate any spark of life force – the seed of creativity, innovation and the very foundation of the individual’s value and worth. In so doing, you devastate your workforce. Shirley no longer wanted to be part of such a process.
Another client of mine, Marjorie is 83 years old. She too is transitioning from a life that has provided her with a great deal of freedom, companionship and well-being to one where she is more isolated, in constant pain and is losing her capacity to make choices on her own. Her health is deteriorating and like Shirley, she is having to make choices that she doesn’t want to make. But, if she doesn’t make these choices in the service to her own well-being her children will step in and make them for her.
The realities that both Shirley and Marjorie are facing are inherent in being human. The choice-making that both of these women face forces them to be fully present to their humanity, to the failings that come along with being human. Facing our human capacities and incapacities includes taking leaps of faith into the unknown. My job as their coach is to empower them to stay mindful of the inevitability of having to make extremely challenging decisions, and to persevere through what feels like too much vulnerability. In the end, though, the dignity of having stayed the course on one’s own path, beyond the known reality, beyond the shadow of their doubts and beyond the limitedness of their thinking, is so worth to journey. Finding the capacity to be vulnerable without being annihilated is a gift we must give ourselves if we are to have the quality of life we say we truly want.
As for me, the willingness to step into the unknown of this world I left behind three decades ago has allowed me to find a deeper, more intimate connection with my daughter and my son; not by pushing or controlling but by allowing an unfolding to occur. This allowing process has also brought about what feels like a completion – a healing of a festering wound between my ex-husband and me. The willingness to be open to the infinite potential of what’s beyond my assumptions and expectations, literally brought me to my knees in gratitude, for my prayers for acceptance, and more importantly, peace, have been answered.