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August 31st, 2010
Creating a Business in Times of Uncertainty
From Sharon, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’m focusing on getting my business off the ground. And, at the same time there is so much talk about an economic meltdown; I just don’t know what to do. Should I stay under my covers where I feel safe and wait for it all to do what it’s going to do or should I move forward with my intention and hope for the best?
Your articles are written in such a way that they have a spiritual quality to them without being too religious or too woo-woo. This makes me feel comfortable asking you this question. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
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Thank you Sharon.
You ask an important question, one that I think is on a lot of people’s minds.
There is so much fear these days. I’ve heard it said that we’ll soon be going to hell in a hand basket. Man, that can make anyone feel anxious and terrified; it makes sense that you’d want to hide under your covers, with that kind of talk going around.
For every one who predicts the hell-in-a-hand basket outcome there are just as many who predicts things will turn around in time. You get to decide which truth you want to create. With the science of quantum physics proving that our thinking creates our reality, I ask you Sharon, which reality will you create. This way of thinking challenges our normal version of reality, and it challenges us to exercise muscles that will work in our favor regardless of what we hear.
It’s important to consider though, that these conversation related the economic situation aren’t that different than those conversations going on inside our own heads; the ones that have us question whether we can or should move ahead on a project. We have as many nay-sayers in our heads as there are outside our heads. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the media or just in our heads, we have to choose to choose what we want to be true and live into it as if it is true, until it is true. Does that make sense?
Our world needs to empower every individual on this planet to say “Yes I Can!” We need to empower our children, our friends, family members, employees, even our employers to move in the direction of their hearts desire, their passion and their vision. Clarifying your intentions about what you want to fulfill, then living into your intention, regardless of the outcome, is essential.
While living and traveling aboard a sailboat, during a particularly severe storm, there was a possibility that the boat might sink and we would all die. My choice in that moment was to either do everything I could to keep the boat afloat or go down to my bunk and wait for death to take me. I chose to live into my intention to do whatever I could to keep myself safe and help keep the boat from sinking. I feel so good that I was courageous enough to make that choice.
Quite often, as I begin to move toward my desired outcome, anxiety surfaces. Anxiety makes me feel really uncomfortable. I want to avoid the discomfort of that experience. If I do something to avoid the anxiety more than likely I distract myself for a very long time. What I’ve had to learn to do is be with the discomfort of the anxiety while I continue to move forward with my projects. Much like sailing in that storm, where I was really terrified, I had to keep moving forward in order to save the boat and my life.
Sometimes we have to feel the fear, the anxiety, the anger or sadness and do what we have to do, just because we have to!
I want you to consider that one way or the other you’ll be making choices about your career. What choices will you make based on worry, fear and anxiety? What choices will you make based on confidence, courage and clarity of intention? Which of these choices will move you in the direction you want to go? Are there choices that can have you move at a speed that supports momentum yet doesn’t feel too risky? In a sense, do you require a bit of both/and, meaning moving forward while maintaining a safe speed toward your destination – that which you say you want?
Last week I talked about faith, which needs to be practiced whatever it is we are having to be with. Every time we move out onto the edge of our comfort zone we have to practice faith, we have to be with the “I don’t know how to do this” experience over and over again. As long as we are moving into our desires, wants and our needs we’ll have to be edging ourselves out, expanding our comfort zone. The outcome of this practice is that life gets easier to be with, so does change and transformation?
We can’t help but be anxious about uncertainty. And, at the same time we can begin to see that uncertainty is all there is. In doing so, we can then come to a place of acceptance about uncertainty; perhaps grieve the loss of what we thought was certain, and learn to be more at peace with what is. This is big work, Sharon, but I’m pretty sure it’s part of what all of us, and I do mean all of us, need to accept.
So many areas of the world are war-torn, poverty stricken, full of disease and death. The certainty of affluence that you and I have known here in North America has been a gift. I’m not sure that it is a right, as we’ve come to believe. I can practice gratitude for all that I’ve been provided and at the same time, begin to cultivate ways of being with uncertainty that allows me serenity and peace.
Here are a couple of things to do in support of this process. First, create a business plan. Start with the intentions of this business; this includes: What is your vision for this business, what is it here to serve? Write down all the intentions you have. Then, write down the various ways to serve these intentions. Also create a timeline of when you will put these ways into practice. Create a financial plan for yourself – how much money do you need to run your business, how much money to you want to be making as a profit. Consider how much money you’ll need to support you while you are birthing and growing your business. Keep it simple enough that you can take the steps required to fulfill your intentions, yet not too big that you feel overwhelmed. Just pace yourself, and, as I always encourage, get a coach or a thinking partner to keep you on track.
Bottom line for living with uncertainty? Listen to your heart!
Blessings,
Rosie
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68
Dr. Rosie
August 19th, 2010
Living Without a Doubt
From Patricia P. Dublin, Ireland.
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’ve been reading your column for the past couple of months and so appreciate the depth you bring through your words. Thank you!!!!
I’m losing my job at the end of September. My husband is still working but I’m so afraid there won’t be enough money to keeps things going while I find other work. I sometimes collapse under the anxiety and worry. How will this all turn out? How can I live with so much duress? It’s funny too, that I’ve lost my self-confidence. I just don’t believe that it’s all going to be okay. What do I do?
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Dear Patricia,
First of all let me say that it can feel scary going through what you are going through; the uncertainty, the not knowing, the doubt that it will turn out just fine. Whenever we come up against beginnings or endings it makes sense that fear will be close by; however, it doesn’t mean that there is a need to be troubled or worried. It just means that it feels scary.
So, how do you be with this uncertainty, this doubt without allowing it to drain you of every shred of capability and confidence you have?
The current paradigm we live in has us swimming in a pool of fear and dread. Few places on this planet are free from the anxiety of not knowing how it’s all going to turn out. There are pockets of people who do live in faith. They are the lucky ones. Well, let’s use more empowering terms. They’ve strengthened the muscles of faith and living without a doubt. They gladly give their problems over to a higher power. How did they do this? Good Questions. They decided that living in fear didn’t work for them, so they chose to take a leap out of a belief system that wasn’t working for them to one that supported them. How did they do that? It’s easy and at the same time not so easy.
Believe it or not, we’ve each created the reality we live in out of thin air. Most of us created a reality that was in synch with everyone around us. So if everyone around me believes that we should all be afraid, that we are all powerless, my own personal reality will most likely take on that belief too. At the same time, we have options, which can bring us to being empowered and to creating greater possibility, peace and potential.
What Good is Faith if it is Never Practiced?
My husband, Todd Zimmerman, asked this question of our trainees in one of our transformational coach training sessions. He got people’s attention. What good is faith if it is never practiced? We are talking about our personal faith, the allowing of ourselves to surrender powerlessness to some greater power; some people call this greater power God, Yahweh, Universal Consciousness, or it could be many deities that one turns their worries to. It doesn’t matter to me, it is what you choose to be your higher power.
Cultivating faith has been the most significant practices of my life. Allowing myself to turn my situation over to the Universe, which is my higher power, requires me to trust that it will be taken care of in the best possible way. It means I have to practice letting to and living without a doubt. This is a big practice. It brings up all the times when life didn’t go the way I wanted it to; it means struggling with relinquishing my will. I bet you are asking why would I want to surrender and relinquish my will.
Quite often my willfulness was attached to having things go my way, whether it was harmful for me or others – it didn’t matter. There were, and still are times when I’m not able to make a difference in my situation. Like you, Patricia, I found myself feeling hopeless and powerless. Todd’s question made me curious about faith, what it is and how to use it. As I write to you now I get the enormity of just being with the whole concept of faith, especially personal faith. Even though I’ve had years of practice in turning my will over to a higher power, it isn’t always easy and it isn’t always fun. So, suggesting this practice to you has me question – how does one even begin.
I grew up in the Catholic Church. The requirement of “believing in God or you’ll go to hell,” was not the same as choosing to practice believing. As children, how do we make believe? We imagine! We envision ourselves in different scenarios and play them out to the hilt. We do this all the time, and too often it is unconscious. I want my clients to choose to choose the beliefs that work for them and live into them without a doubt.
All of us, Patricia make believe and we make beliefs. We choose to see the world around us in a way that can make us afraid, angry, anxious, worried, or happy, relaxed, content, courageous – do you see what I mean? Each of us gets to choose, without a doubt, what is true for us. I can choose to believe that my life is going to be amazingly fun and prosperous, and practice living without a doubt. That means that when doubts arise, which they will, I choose in that moment what to do with them. I assess whether there is evidence of truth to that doubt. I then am at choice as to how to be with that doubt. Can I allow that doubt to lead me to further faith, as opposed to fear? That’s a big practice.
So many of us are in this question right now – what makes sense to believe in, where do I put my trust and faith? You get to choose. If what you’ve tried isn’t working for you, try practicing something you haven’t tried yet, such as living in faith. From this faith, what do you want to do? What do you want to make happen? Who do you want to be? In this moment, you get to choose how you want to create the rest of your life. Enjoy your exploration and the practice of living without a doubt!
It’s really important to have support around you. There are spiritual guides and coaches who are prepared to support you through your journey.
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68
Dr. Rosie
August 12th, 2010
Should I Go or Should I Stay?
From Ruby in Silicon Valley, California
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’m so confused! Though I’m not very fulfilled in my current position within a high tech corporation, I like that if offers me freedom from worry about job security. Even with this economy requiring so much downsizing, I feel secure and that provides me with relief.
On the other hand, I’m feeling like I’m missing out on something. I can’t really put words to it yet, but when I leave the office and am in traffic I begin to wonder what it would be like to have my own business, work at home and be closer to my children and my dog, Ralph. My boss requires me to be at the office, so that particular possibility doesn’t exist for me right now. What am I supposed to do? Should I keep my job and feel disappointed every day or should I risk being on my own, having more freedom and hopefully more fun.
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Hi Ruby,
Thanks for your letter.
You are not alone in this dilemma – should I stay or should I go? So many of us want the work we do to be fulfilling to our human spirit. The way most corporate cultures are these day, few offer an environment within which individuals can find themselves truly fulfilled in what they do. Sometimes, the people they work with make it worthwhile, while for others the paycheck is all that it’s about. For others still, none of it feels worthwhile, but they stay because they don’t know what else to do.
What do you Value?
As always, I’ve got some questions for you. A really important question to ask yourself is this: “What do I value most in life?” Make a list of what you value, then put them in order from highest to lowest priority.
From what you’ve shared, Ruby, job security has been really important to you; you put a lot of value in having that. I’m also hearing that being closer to home, to your children and Ralph are also high on your values list. What else is on that list? Right down at least 10 values.
We are always living according to our values, though more often than not we haven’t really distinguished what these values are and if they make sense. Getting clear what your values are will help you make empowering choices.
What’s at Stake?
Once you see what your hierarchy of values is, you then get to choose to choose whether this is really what you want. Again, your highest value may be job security, but the consequences are that you aren’t fulfilled and you miss being with your family. Does job security really outweigh the other values? For some, job security means being overstressed, frustrated and resentful because there isn’t enough personal recognition and incentive. Is job security worth it? Or, you’ve got six children to feed. Job security may be the best thing going for you in service to making sure your kids are healthy and happy. That may be the most fulfilling value of them all!
Fulfillment of the human spirit is what my work is all about. I want every human being I touch to be empowered to find their own unique way of fulfilling themselves so that life and work feels meaningful and purposeful. What’s at stake to live a fulfilling and purpose life for you, Ruby?
Being with the Dilemma
Too often, people want what they want but never take the step to move to what’s next. It’s easier to live in the woulda, coulda, shoulda, until it’s too late. Those moments in the car, Ruby, when you are having the time and space to be with yourself, how do you be with this dilemma of, in a sense, wanting the best of both worlds without risking anything? Most of us distract ourselves from choosing, or we rationalize that having a job is better than no job, or we daydream about what could be, and the moment we get home, the dream world ends and we go back to the real world and woulda, coulda, shoulda. How do you be with your dilemma?
In your letter you mentioned that you were confused. That too is a way to be with the challenge of having two or more things to choose from. What is really hard to do is to actually put a stake in the ground and choose to stay or choose to go. What makes this hard is facing the consequences of choosing. You see, quite often our dreaming keeps us from really being present to our current reality. If we live in “Someday, things will be different,” we never have to be with what is; we never have to come to accept what it is we are choosing; we never have to truly face the consequences of our actions; and, we never have to be accountable or responsible for the way our life turned out.
I would totally support you in accepting that you’ll be staying in your current position and enjoying the job security. The practice is to let go of the dream, for now, and accept the current consequences that are present for you in this moment. It means facing some disappointment, for now. It means putting your energy into making this position as fulfilling as you want to, if you want to. Perhaps it means finding other ways to bring about the fulfillment of your human spirit.
I would also totally support you in choosing to leave your position and let go of your job security, in service of values that may have higher priorities. There are consequences to this choice too – not better or worse consequences, not easier or more challenging consequences – just different consequences. Either way there is a letting go in service to the fulfillment of your human spirit. And, I will add. . . that when you are acting in alignment with your highest truth and fulfilling your human spirit, you are acting in everyone’s highest good! Enjoy the adventure, Ruby.
Blessings,
Dr. Rosie
Author of Self-Empowerment 101
http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=68
Dr. Rosie
July 29th, 2010
What if I’m Wrong?
In the course of any choice-making process, whether its regarding career, relationship, health, finances – you name it, there is that underlying whisper gnawing at you taking that first step, or even the 59th step: “What if I’m WRONG?” Do you know what I’m talking about?
This past month I had a difference of opinion with an associate of mine. The conversation, as far as it went, didn’t satisfy my sense that we would be working this out in a way that would rebuild lost trust and connection. I severed the tie, I burnt the bridge and said goodbye. Then, self-doubt arose; what if I’m mistaken? What if the way I’m perceiving this is wrong? What if he comes to decide that I, Dr. Rosie, am not all that kind and compassionate stuff I seem to be?
For the majority of my life I’ve made thousands of choices in service to avoiding this question. To be wrong can feel catastrophic to that part that only has ONE interpretation of what it means to be wrong: I’ll be HUMILIATED!
Now, this part that fears humiliation is normally a very one part of each of us, who has been shamed, guilted and embarrassed. I don’t know if you remember what that feels like – that first conscious experience of being wrong, but basically, it’s unbearable and something to be avoided at all cost.
Many time I’ve stayed in relationships and in jobs, in locations etc, far too long, just to avoid the possibility that my choice may be the wrong choice and the consequences would be unbearable! At some point though, suffering the consequences of being wrong outweighed the staying; the scales were tipped and, well, I took that first step not knowing if I would survive.
Survive I did, yet, I’ve never gotten completely comfortable with making those choices that creates separation from another person. There’s always two sides to the story and distinguishing the who’s right and who’s wrong always gives me the heebie-jeebies. One of us is going to fall short in this conversation, one of us will be the bad guy, one of us will have to eat crow – you get the picture. In my first marriage, to avoid these conversations and the potential anger from my husband (fear of anger is right up there with fear of being wrong), I’d capitulate, I configured in my head how I was WRONG, I said I was sorry and the whole conversation would get dropped. I saved us both from long heated battles. That was how I avoided vulnerability. That may sound backwards, but sometimes that’s what we do.
Taking the Leap
Today, taking that leap by saying goodbye to this individual, I still feel that vulnerability to the potential consequences of being wrong about him or the circumstances. However, this time I’m willing to risk the consequences, feeling the vulnerability – actually being vulnerable to . . . .
When we make choices about what we want to do with our lives, our jobs, careers, etc, so often that questions what if I’m wrong hold us hostage.
Even now that feeling of being wrong is excruciating. I hate feeling the piercing emptiness, the blow of defeat to my ego. However, weighing this possibility against the integrity and dignity of being me, makes me step into my life with a straighter backbone, with more courage to face the possibility that I may be wrong, and if I am, I know that I’ll be learning something from the situation.
I’ve come to understand that it’s the learning that’s more valuable than maintaining safety from making mistakes.
Dr. Rosie
July 2nd, 2010
Chasing Ideas to Somewhere
From Usha,
Hello Dr. Kuhn,
Here I am to ask you something again.
How do I put ideas into action? You know, I find so many ideas great and even practical, but many a times I get carried away and do not act on them. Why does this happen? I want to start acting on my ideas, how………help? I feel I am sounding like my 7 year old kid asking for help but seriously, I find this a huge problem. Is it that I feel the need to be guided always to act upon something?
Looking forward to your wonderful and very insightful thoughts,
Usha
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From Dr. Rosie
Thanks Usha for your questions. It’s great to hear what’s coming up for you as weeks go by. Your questions reflect what many other people are confounded with – Choice-making!
You’ve heard me talk about this already and you will hear me talk about this again, because every dilemma we face is based on having to make a choice between at least two desires, wants or commitments.
How do I choose? As a coach, I find that one of the most challenging moments my clients face is having to make a choice between many great ideas – how do they know which one to choose, which one will be most rewarding and fulfilling and which one’s they’ll have to let go of, for the moment.
Think about it this way: Each idea that comes through you supports the unfolding of you, Usha, or does it? Here are some questions: What is it you are wanting, Usha? What is the vision for your life and your work? Which ideas support this vision and the work you want to bring into this world? You see, it’s time to get strategic about which ideas you want to follow in service to what you want.
Traveling as a great analogy for this choice-making process. Let’s say I want to go somewhere. I can say “I’d like to go somewhere,” and just leave my house and go. I have an idea to turn left, so I turn left. I have an idea to turn right, so I turn right. This is a wonderful way to travel if I’m not attached to where I want to go.
So, this time, I say “I want to go to Los Angeles, California. Now, I have to assess my ideas and choose which ones are going to get me closer to my destination. An idea to get on a cruise ship that’s going to Alaska pops up. “Boy, that would be fun!” I say to myself. At this moment, I have to choose to either go to Alaska, because it would be fun, or to stay with my original destination to go to LA, and create ideas that will take me in that direction. I have to ask myself what I’m committed to in order to choose to choose what I’m going to choose.
A couple of months ago, when you first wrote me, you wanted to create a thriving business teaching yoga. Is this still true, or is there something else that’s emerging? This is a choice-point. Too often, though we confuse ourselves by following too many masters – having too many wants and not enough time and energy to invest. Sometimes we create ideas to actually sabotage ourselves. If I’m trying to follow lots of ideas I can avoid being successful at the one I say I really want, for you it was a yoga practice.
Perhaps, Usha, all of these ideas are in alignment with your goal to teach yoga. Then, it’s a matter of sitting with all of these ideas and discern which one or ones are most valuable to generate now, and which ones will be more valuable later on. This is where the seven-year old matures into a grown up, making grown up choices.
Putting these ideas into actions
So, the first step was assessing which ideas serve your vision or your destination. Now, to take action is the scary part for many people. Stepping into action means moving towards success. What happens in that moment of stepping into your idea? Notice what shows up when you go to take that first step. Do you get excited or anxious? Do you distract yourself from taking that step by coming up with another idea? What other thoughts and ideas show up. Sometime, self-criticism arises: “Oh, you can’t do that – you can’t make anything happen. You’re too scattered, confused and flaky.” Fear of failure also is a great distractor. In my book, there is no failing; there is just the choosing to succeed at not fulfilling your dreams or goals.
The bottom line, Usha, is this: are your committed enough to take that step? If not, what are you committed to that has you not take that step? Sit with this question and the answers that arise. Write them down, then decide again what it is you are wanting and which steps would take you in that direction. Do you want what you want enough to take action? If not, I encourage you to be patient and compassionate with yourself. You’ll be ready when you are ready and not a moment sooner. As a practice, notice where you do step into action – getting out of bed, taking care of your seven year old child, practicing yoga daily; these are all steps you take in service to your commitments. Just notice that you are already in action. What are you committed to enough that has you take these actions? Keep noticing and acknowledge yourself for accomplishing what you set out to accomplish!
And remember: Choosing no action is as empowering as choosing action. It’s just a matter of what you are committed to.
Blessings,
Rosie
Dr. Rosie
June 25th, 2010
What if I Fail?
Maria asks:
Dear Dr. Rosie,
I’ve been following your column for the past few weeks. I’m inspired to consider taking steps towards my dream career as a graphic artist – I’m so passionate about creating! I’m also so scared that I might fail in this endeavor. Who will be there to pick me up or to catch me if I fall? I’m so afraid of being alone. I’d love some words of wisdom to help me take the first step.
Thanks Dr. Rosie,
Maria
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From Dr. Rosie
Dear Maria,
I totally empathize with you as you stand at the crossroads of a big decision. This decision seems huge – thinking about all of the things you’ll have to do to become a graphic artist. It’s really not that at all. It’s the decision to trust in your self, enough to risk the possibility of failure. I’ll talk about failure in a moment, but first let’s talk about trusting yourself enough:
In my book Self-Empowerment 101, I talk about that place inside where you can sit in your dream and passion knowing that it’s possible. It’s palpable; you can feel what it’s like to be doing what you love with no fear of failure – just pure joy. What’s it like to access that place in this moment? What qualities are present in this experience? For me, when I step into this place I feel relaxed, liberated from constraints, unlimited, light and ease. From here, it feels like everything and anything is possible! From here, I won’t fail and if I did, I’ll be okay. Your job, Maria, is to commit to accessing this place a few times a day and creating practices that move you toward graphic artistry. I say it this way so that you can embody the reality that you are already a graphic artist, and that you will be just leaning into and through the next veil of limitation that you come up against.
Each and every one of my clients has to be committed to themselves and their dreams enough to just lean into what’s limiting them. Whether its fear of failure, fear of rejections, fear of humiliation; it doesn’t matter. All of us have to face that part of us that doesn’t believe and trust that we, I, can do this.
How we normally be with our fears is to distract ourselves from them, to avoid feeling the discomfort and anxiety, to then perhaps deny that we even care enough to take the steps towards what we say we want. We can teach ourselves to be different with our fears and discomforts. We can practice controlling them instead of allowing them to control us. If I’m allowing my fears to control me than I’m choosing to allow them to control me: What the heck is that about? How is that serving me?
Being with Failure
Maria, I want you to ask yourself – what does it mean to fail? Write down what comes up for you, for example; it means isolation, humiliation, rejection, poverty, worthlessness. Then ask yourself: What do you have it mean to be, for example, isolated, humiliated, rejected, poor and worthless. Notice your thoughts as well as emotions and body sensations. Again, what meaning are you making for yourself about being isolated, etc? This is a very empowering exercise, because you can begin to see how you choose to make meaning, how you choose to think about things a certain way, and that you can choose differently in what meaning you make! How empowering is that?
Each of us make meaning of our world, and quite often these meanings paralyze us. Sometime we allow ourselves to sabotage our dreams by triggering disempowering thoughts and feelings. Many times I’ve had to notice when and how I allow a thought to make me feel scared and anxious.
No matter who we are or what our career or life aspirations are, each of us are using particular strategies to either move us toward our desires or sabotage us and paralyze us, creating a sense of “I just can’t do this!”
Do you see how powerful you are at choosing what you choose? The practice is to cultivate more awareness, through noticing of what you are doing, what you are thinking and feeling, and just observe your brilliance at creating the reality you are currently living in. Then, if you want, you can choose to choose differently!
To a large degree fear is a constant – especially for those who are wanting to live on the edge of their lives. We face the unknown, unsure of what the next leap of faith will bring about. However, as you move into your life more openly aware of who you are and how you operate you will notice how you choose to be with fear and empower yourself to choose differently, only if you want.
Who will be there to pick me up or to catch me if I fall?
The leaps of faith you will be making, Maria, as you move toward graphic artistry, only have to be big enough to move you in the direction of the results you are after. This can be just a shift in attitude, one item checked off your to-do list, one email or phone call that feels scary. Rarely, if we really pay attention and notice our choice-making process will you fail or fall very far. One step forward, two steps back is really an effective practice in creating attention to what you are choosing and seeing that perhaps you are choosing to not succeed – that’s not failure! Are you curious enough to pay close attention to how you might intentionally choose not to succeed and see this, again, as a very empowering process?
This can be challenging work to do on your own. I encourage you to consider finding a thinking partner, a coach, or a support group to keep you present to your commitments.
The bottom line, Maria, is you will not fail. And, you will come to trust yourself to catch you if you fall!
Have Fun!
Dr. Rosie
Dr. Rosie
June 18th, 2010
Money: from Distressing to De-stressing
Usha Asks:
Hello Dr. Rosie,
It feels nice to read these articles as I feel I’m not alone in pursuing dreams that are different from what I earlier set out for. Here’s my question: How can handling money be shifted from a distressing situation to a de-stressing one?
Regards,
Usha
From Dr. Rosie:
Dear Usha,
Thanks for your presence and your questions. You bring so much to this column with your sharing of what’s unfolding for you.
The easiest way to shift handling money from distressing to de-stressing is to shift how you think about money and then create new actions in alignment with these new thoughts. Here are some examples of what many of us think in regard to money:Money is hard to come by; You have to work really hard for money; Money is the root of all evil; I can’t have money if I’m spiritual; People who have money are unkind – I don’t want to be like them; If I make more money than my dad it will make him look bad; As a woman, having money will make me independent and men don’t like independent women, so I don’t want to make money. These are just a small sample of what goes through our minds when we think about money. All of these statements are distressing, and none of them are true – we just made them up!
Now, with these thoughts come particular actions that support these thoughts. Actions are not just a doing, but can also be a thinking or a feeling or a body response. If I believe that money is hard to come by, I’m going to feel defeated, stressed and worry that I’ll never be able to work hard enough to make enough. If I judge all rich people to be selfish and unkind and I don’t want to be like them, I’m going to do things to sabotage having money. So, for each of the thoughts, beliefs and judgments we have about money we have a set of actions, feelings and thoughts that we use to support them. Change what you think and your actions will change effortlessly. That is De-stessing!
One more thing: If you are used to looking for and finding how your beliefs are true in the world, you have to change what you are looking for. A lot of people are making a lot of money. Some people make money effortlessly. Rich people are often philanthropists and aren’t selfish at all, and there are millions of women who are self-sufficient, independent and enjoy a wonderful relationship with their partners. Notice where you put your attention and focus on what you want to see as true. It’s a wonderful experience to make true what you believe!
All of this is not new! It’s very easy to enter into this as a practice and it can be very challenging to continue because of our thinking that it should all change instantly! You see? My thinking that it should change instantly is going to set up some expectations and I’m going to start anticipating the money rolling in. And, if it doesn’t, then what am I going to think? I’ll probably begin thinking: I’m not good enough; I’m not doing it right; There’s something wrong with me, etc. With this thinking, then, I start feeling frustrated, depressed, sad, hopeless, anxious, angry, etc. Then, I’m right back where I started.
About three month ago I started a 30 Days to Prosperity program. In the very first day I got the biggest lesson of the whole process. As I was setting up my little workbook I started getting excited about having such incredible abundance raining down upon me. It was fun to think about it and to feel the relief of having all the money I could possible want and all the freedom money could buy me. Then, this little voice came in and said “What if that money doesn’t come raining down? What if not one darn thing changes; then what? This thought became distressing and I found myself wanting to stop the program right there and then. But, I realized that it was really important for me to answer that question: What if the money doesn’t come? What do I have it mean about me if it doesn’t happen? Sitting with my fear and sadness the answer came. The belief underlying so much of my way of being in this world is this: If the money doesn’t come, that means God really doesn’t love me. And, if that’s really true, what am I going to do with that?
Here I am a spiritual teacher and coach, someone who has been on a spiritual path for at least 30 years. I never knew that this little thought was way down inside of me. It has kept me in a constant state of fear and from allowing myself an abundance of prosperity. If I never try to making a lot of money I never have to find out what’s true. So, as good as I am at the work I do, and as much money as I do make, I came to find out that I’m still holding back so I don’t have to find out if God really loves me. How distressing is that?
As grown up as I am, I know that I am loved by God and the Universe. That’s what’s true for me! So, I can now become mindful and start noticing all the ways I hold back or sabotage myself from having financial abundance rain down on me, and, I can let go of my worry about whether I’m loved by God – this is a something I made up when I was just a kid. It doesn’t make sense to keep following this belief as a grown-up.
So, Usha, begin by listing all the things you believe about money, all the thoughts, expectations, assumptions and judgments you have. All of them!!! Then write down all of the actions to take based on your thoughts. Notice which ones work in your favor and are actually de-stressing and which ones are distressing. Decide for yourself which ones you will practice more often and which ones you will let go of – just as a practice. Just notice what shows up – just like I did. Be with yourself – with your feeling and thoughts in a compassionate way. Notice when you want to judge yourself or others, than ask if this supports being de-stressed or distressed? You have the power to choose!
I have written a whole chapter about this in Self-Empowerment 101, with an exercise that will take you through this process, thoroughly. With or without the book, though you have to be willing to practice creating positive thoughts about money and then create actions and strategies to support them.
Have fun!
Dr. Rosie
June 11th, 2010
Career Choice as a Spiritual Choice
Ginger Asks:
Dear Dr. Rosie
Interestingly enough, I’m in a similar situation as Veronica and Usha. I’m looking to change careers after many years as a nurse. I want to go back to school but am being financially taken care of as long as I stay in my current nursing position. The other very real issue that comes up when I think I want to commit to a certain path is that I begin to doubt that this is really what is correct for my spiritual path. . . . Will this just reinforce the ego and distract me or should I accept things as they are and continue from here?
I really enjoy your writing. Thanks!
Ginger
From Dr. Rosie:
Dear Ginger,
As human beings we have a very complex, multidimensional world to live into. We have our physical needs, our emotional needs and our spiritual need – all of which call for equal attention. Balancing our spiritual well-being with our physical and emotional well-being is quite a practice. It’s the foundation of the work I do with all of my corporate, and individual clients; to cultivate not only awareness of their whole being but to empower them to practice being present to and acting in alignment with all of themselves.
When we think about our physical needs being met we often think that money is an essential requirement. And, for many of us having money also calms emotional needs for a sense of safety, security and stability. When we think of meeting our spiritual needs, however, more often than not money doesn’t even enter the conversation. From a spiritual perspective, aside from tithing or making donations, money is too often seen as the root of all evil and, like Ginger, we begin to doubt that we have the right to live into our passion or calling and enjoy perhaps more affluence. We become afraid that we are choosing incorrectly and somehow we’ll just reinforce our ego and distract ourselves off our spiritual path.
The dilemma is that, in this multidimensional world we are experiencing a physical reality and a spiritual reality simultaneously. We are both spiritual and physical beings at the same time. Can we choose in such a way that serves both in a good way? If so, how do we choose to choose?
Quite often – but not always, people who choose solely based on their physical and emotional needs and desires come up feeling unfulfilled or empty. Those who follow solely their spiritual needs and desires sometimes, but not always, aren’t grounded enough in the physical world to feel fulfilled in the more “human” domain. Each of us has to be present to that choice point where we have to be clear of what we are wanting, what’s at stake, and, is it worth the price?
In the physical and emotional domains, it is definitely scary to consider leaving a situation where we are comfortable and taken care of. Many individuals in unfulfilling marriages or jobs have to come to terms with “is it worth it” to leave, believing that the security will disappear.
As I write these columns I sometime google quotations from different authors. Helen Keller popped up today. Here’s what she says: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
Now, if building character is important to you then this statement might spur you to be with your choice-points from a more daring point of view. If safety, security and stability are your higher priority, than Helen’s quote will drive you back to that. Each one of us has to take inventory of what our highest priorities are and then be willing to accept that the path in front of us will bring forth opportunities to fulfill those values. Letting go of the “Yes, buts,” and the “What ifs,” becomes a spiritual practice, doing so in such a way that our emotional and physical limits aren’t triggered into such reaction that we become paralyzed.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to step into your desires – not knowing the outcome? Are you willing to practice leaps of faith and living without doubt? A leap into faith doesn’t have to be jumping blindly off a cliff. It can be taking just one step towards what you say you want and, most importantly, being with what shows up in that very moment. For me, this is the foundation of every spiritual practice on this planet. Take the step and be with what shows up. If it feels too scary, take a smaller step and get support from a community, support group or coach. Hear the voice in your head that says – “Yes, but, I should be further along;” or “It shouldn’t take this long, there must be an easier way!” You’ll hear many conversations like this; most often that is your ego talking. In these moments you have to choose to choose to choose, in service to what you say you want, whether that’s stability and security or something else. And, there is no right way and no wrong way. It’s just the practice of taking the first step, then taking the next first step.
To answer Ginger’s question specifically: It doesn’t matter if you choose to stay in your current situation or choose to change careers. By truly committing to either you’ll begin a spiritual practice. This will include accepting and allowing what is, letting go of what is no longer, intentionally living into your choice, one moment at a time, and letting go of the conversation that you should have or could have chosen differently. Again, there is no right or wrong way; there is just you choosing to choose what you choose and practice living into that, one step at a time.
Dr. Rosie
June 4th, 2010
Learning the Business of Being a Business Woman
Veronica asks:
Dear Dr. Rosie,
Here I am in my fifties and I’m now just finally feeling passionate about my work. I was in the field of special education for 30 years and though I loved it I never felt completely fulfilled. I think I was supposed to feel fulfilled and so I just kept at it. Due to many contributing factors I was not invited back to teach. Though disappointing, this gave me an opportunity to really do some deep soul searching to discover and recognize what’s mine to do.
I’ve always loved creating but never until now considered being a graphic artist. I’ve had to start from the beginning by taking courses at the local community college. I’m half way through my degree and am anxious to get started. I’m in a very similar place as Usha. I can really relate to her story. What should I do next?
From Dr. Rosie:
Dear Veronica,
I’m really glad to hear that even after all these years you are willing to keep your heart open to what feels passionate to you. It’s happening more and more that women and men are willing to take risks, exploring what’s possible by following their passion. I believe by doing so you model for others that living a fulfilling life means less stress, more ease and more joy in the world. Thanks for being one of those people.
While getting my Ph.D., learning to be a coach and writing my book, Self-Empowerment 101, it never occurred to me that there was another really important component to this work – being a business woman. I didn’t want to be a business woman. I wanted to be a coach and a writer. I was ready to just sit back, have clients show up and have my book fly off the shelf. I was very disappointed when that didn’t happen. Then I participated in a webinar. The facilitator was very clear in her message: First, learn your craft; then, learn the business of being a business woman. YUCK!!!!! Yes, yuck! But, then, it began to make sense to me: Unless I’m working for someone else I’m going to have to learn how to create and run a business, and, I’m going to have to learn how to let people know that I’ve got something great to offer.
There are many like you and like Usha, who are just at the beginning stages of putting their dream into reality. Just thinking of all the possibilities that are part and parcel to creating a business can appear really stressful. There are so many facets to a business and so many opinions on how it all should be done. It can seem daunting. But unless you create a foundation for handling the details of currency, marketing, selling, taxes, and networking, you’ll be teetering on unstable ground. You have to develop some business skills in service to being successful as a successful graphic artist. That seems crazy but you’ve just got to accept that unless you can pay someone to run your business, you’ll have to make this part of your life’s work. I’m saying this not to worry you or make you feel anxious. If you can just accept this fact you’ll be successful before you know it.
Getting past the resistance to seeing yourself as a business person might be the first line of business. What thoughts, judgments and interpretation about business do you carry that creates resistance? What expectations and assumptions do you have about business and business people? These are really important questions to ask yourself, because if you have a lot of judgments and negative interpretations about business and people who are in business you will most likely sabotage this whole endeavor. You’ll create what looks like failure in service to “I don’t want to be like one of those people.”
One of my assumptions about being in business was that I would be overwhelmed with responsibilities and won’t have time to do what I love to do. So, because of this one particular belief I avoided the stuff I didn’t want to be responsible for. Then, I worried about all this stuff that didn’t get done, which took me away from focusing on what I loved to do. I had to find a way to be with what was true – that I have to create healthy business practices, and still do what I love to do. I also had to find ways to not be overwhelmed by doing it all. Because handling money was the most distressing part of my business it made sense for me to hire a bookkeeper and an accountant. That took a huge load off my shoulders. More often now, I’m willing to pay people who love to do what I don’t want to do. That’s a win-win proposition.
So considering that what I’m saying, Veronica, makes sense to you, what do you want to practice in service to cultivating a business of being a graphic artist? Doing some research might be a good start. See what resources are out there. Look for writers, speakers, workshops and webinars that resonate with you as learning opportunities. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to get information. So much of it is free and accessible on the internet – even right here on Invincibelle.com! Perhaps there are courses in business practices at your college or at night schools in your area. I truly encourage you to not rush the process; continue to refine your skills as a graphic artist and take one step at a time in engaging in the business of being a business woman.
Book: Self-Empowerment-101
Twitter: http://twitter.com/RosieKuhn:
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/profile?viewProfile=&key=2396121&trk=tab_pro
Dr. Rosie
May 27th, 2010
Empowering Yourself into a Successful Career
Usha asks:
Hi Dr. Kuhn,
Your articles light up my day! They are kind of answering the next hurdle I’m facing.
I read your most recent write up Start to Finish about your mother not working for a living and being taken care of, and that you wanted that lifestyle too. I totally relate to this. My mother is a homemaker and I imagined that I always wanted to work. However, I found that when opportunities came I just didn’t go for it. I think I always wanted to be taken care of financially. Now, I want to get out of this comfort zone and I’m committed to making it happen.
How do I do this and keep myself afloat? I don’t know if the feeling of being able to take care of myself financially will make me feel empowered but this is what’s driving me. There are times when no one turns up for my yoga class. I’m so discouraged when this happens. At other times, people call and ask for my support. This feels so fulfilling! This is such a dilemma! I worry about whether I can make it over time; will students come?; the bottom line: How will I earn a living? I’ll be receiving my certificate in July and will then begin charging for my yoga classes. Will this work? Please help!
P.S., I like the way you write. It motivates me to take another step ahead and feel closer to my goal of being empowered (financially).
Usha
From Dr. Rosie
Thanks Usha for your letter.
Usha has lots of questions and I suspect she is providing herself with a lot of answers that aren’t answers at all but only potential “what ifs” that, more often than not, create worry and anxiousness. So many of us cultivate scenarios in our minds to counter the “I don’t know if I can do this”; “I don’t know if people will come”; “I don’t know if there’ll be enough money.” These “I don’t knows” are part of every endeavor we take on, and, are probably the most important challenge to face. What would you have to be with, Usha, if you empowered yourself to stay present in the moment with the “I don’t know?”
You are not alone! Very few of us have cultivated a capacity to comfortably be with the unknown, yet, by doing so we empower ourselves enormously.
No one knows whether their dreams will ever come true. The only way to know is to live into them one step at a time, one day at a time; saying to yourself “I don’t know what’s going to happen because of this step but I’m going to take it anyway!” Empower yourself to take on this practice courageously and your life will blossoms in untold ways.
Usha, you’ve already begun, in that you are so close to finishing your courses in yoga training. You’ve invested a lot of time and energy to make this happen. Congratulations! What’s it like, in your body, as you realize how far you have come? What’s the quality of the experience that you are feeling? Excited, empowered, and confident that you’ve taken the next step? These are very important qualities to continually experience, reminding yourself of what you’ve accomplished thus far, in service to your dream.
What most of us do at this point is to forget the good feelings and begin to worry and fret. Here’s a question to ask yourself: When feeling excited, empowered and confident, what’s the next step to take? Make a list of everything that comes to mind. Now, for just a moment, choose to worry about all those things you worry about. Again, make a list. What steps do you want to take from here? You get to choose, Usha, the qualities of what you want to experience and what steps you’ll choose to take in service to what you want. This for me is what will bring success – that is, choosing to choose what you want to choose. This is so empowering!!!!
Exercising the muscles of choosing to choose the qualities of being that feels best to you is something we aren’t used to doing. However, it is very much like practicing yoga; it’s a matter of just stretching and strengthening muscles to increase the range of motion, resilience and comfort for what’s next. Does that make sense? I often avoid going to yoga because it creates too much discomfort. In this way I’m kind of a wimp, and the outcome is that my body is achy and not as resilient as when I was younger and more active. Professionally, if I avoided what I need to do to bring my coaching practice to fulfillment (Stretching, strengthening and increasing my range of comfort in being with the unknown) I wouldn’t have a practice at all. I have to be with the discomfort of being with the unknown, stepping into my dream little by little.
The conversation that occurs inside your head determines whether you’ll empower yourself to step courageously into what’s next or not. And, this is where you will do the most amount work – shifting your thoughts and the qualities of being you are wanting. Again, so many of us avoid this practice and the outcome is then less than satisfying.
In the practical world, as your coach, I would ask how you are generating income right now. I would ask you how much you need on a weekly, monthly and annual basis. What do you need to generate from each class? How many students will you need for each class and how much will you need to charge in order to bring in what you require? Are there other ways to generate income that you’d like to do? This is the beginning of a basic business plan that each entrepreneur has to create.
Many of us in private practice cobble together a number of things we like to do. I, for instance, coach, facilitate leadership seminars, run teleconferences for coaches, facilitate women’s retreats and write books and articles. Each of these generates currency and clients. Discover what you like to do and see how you can cobble them together. And, many of us have to stay in our “day jobs” for awhile until we’ve got the momentum going and generating the kind of currency we want. One last thought: There are many micro-loan and grant type possibilities out there. Do some research and see what’s available for you.
Bottom line: Notice when you are worrying and being anxious. Exercise the muscles to stop the worrying and anxiety. Shift this to other feelings that will inspire you to take the next step. Just one step at a time! You can do this!